Marie Kondo Vs. Hoarders
“Do these 370 cats bring you joy?”
“Yes. Get out!”
You Might Also Like
My grandma was the sweetest. I remember when I was sick she used to rub Vick’s Vapo-Rub on the cat. She was old.
I think the short sellers had it right with Game Stop. It’s a failing business. If you look closely at their actual business model it does not seem at all effective at stopping games.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day but teach a man to phish and he will steal your social security # so click here to verify your account.
[pulled over]
Dog Cop: you ran a gray light
Dog Driver: but it was still gray when i went through the intersection
Dog Cop: no it was gray
I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think something is wrong with me.
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who bites his finger whenever he eats fries
Mispronouncing words is my Ukulele’s Heel.
Sarcasm…
Because mocking you directly would be rude.
I covered my gf with dough and raisins and put her in the oven to annoy her. Hell hath no fury like a woman sconed
When you take that selfie, make sure your bathroom mirror doesn’t look like a small mouse had a sex party on it the night before.
[hiking]
ME: I’m so tired
MOUNTAIN: please sit on my face
Wife: I’m pissed!
Me: still or again?
biggest issues with Australia?
✅ no late afternoon coffee
✅ footwear
✅ lack of nukes
Y’all think a holey cow makes swiss cheese?
There’s really no cooler place to wear sunglasses than in a submarine.
Be safe this weekend, otherwise your dumb friends will end up telling some local news reporter how you were always the “life of the party.”
Me: What did you do at preschool?
3-year-old: We had to color inside the lines the WHOLE time.
Me:
3-year-old: I need to lie down.
A cop just pulled me over — asking if I knew my tail light was out? I said, ‘Uh uh. I drive on the inside of my car’
Shopping online and betting on which shipments arrive by the estimated delivery dates because I don’t feel like going to a casino to lose money.
I don’t understand interventions. What’s the point of being told u drink too much by a room full of the reasons u drink in the first place?
me: (reaches for the bill) no no, i got it
my date, grabbing her stuff to leave my apartment: thank u for paying your own electric bill
farmer: hay
horse: I have a boyfriend
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship?
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
People buying plungers never look like they’re in a good mood.
I like to stand by the side of the motorway holding a sign that says “If you were me, you’d be here now.”
[spider in house]
me: oh hey buddy, you lost? let me take you outside[ants in house]
me, wildly shooting bug spray: I AM BECOME DEATH, THE DESTROYER OF WORLDS!!
If you ever see me on my death bed, please take me off my death bed & move me to my alive bed thx
Today I lost a push-ups competition to my 4 year-old son. He did 2 push-ups and its not important how many i could or couldn’t do because its all about having fun and him helping me off the ground
And your jalapeños, are they poppered in house?
My daughter just announced she’s SICK of stupid-ass people. I said “Oh darlin, you’re gonna feel ill for a long time.. they’re everywhere.”