@Lisabug74

Marie Kondo Vs. Hoarders

“Do these 370 cats bring you joy?”

“Yes. Get out!”

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@Shade510

HR: Once again – “Judy from the Internet said so” isn’t a valid excuse….

Me: But…

@ShittyComedian

Every time I see a person handing out flyers it blows my mind that some people actually get paid to distribute garbage to strangers.

@Staggfilms

THE 3 PEOPLE IN EVERY CHIPOTLE LINE:

– guy ordering for his whole office who takes forever

– white lady who’s never been there before and doesn’t like spicy food. ends up getting a bowl of white rice and chicken

– guy who leans over sneeze-guard and is shouty about his order

@murrman5

Sorry I lied about knowing how to play the piano. What’s that? Yes, I agree it made the funeral uncomfortable.

@SheMightHave

My kids want a second dog for me to feed, walk and clean up after for Christmas.

@QwertyJones3

WEATHERMAN: The fog is extremely dense

FOG: My husband took his secretary with him on a business trip, that’s normal right?

@ozzyunc

Crayons overthrow royal blue, elect sienna-tors.

@urfavoritejoel

I say “Hey man, I got your back.” He thanks me until he collapses from being spineless. I give his back to an infant. “Baby got back.” I say

@xLiserx

*First Date*
Him: You’ve been really quiet. Everything ok?
Me: *Sadly* Your SnapChat photos made me think you were a super intelligent dog.