Marie Kondō’s method really has been magical. I’m ridding my home of anything that doesn’t “spark joy.”
So far I’m down one washing machine, one vacuum, and a husband.
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I let friend’s kid call my ex & say “Are you really my daddy?” while I’m in the background yelling “hang up the phone,he doesn’t want you!”
“I want this one, but look at this one, oh, but this one is my FAVORITE!”-
-my kids looking through Christmas catalogs or me driving past multi-million dollar houses
[walking out of restaurant]
DATE: let’s do this again
ME: thank god I’m starving
ME: [waking up from nap]
HER: *looking angry* when i said i wanted to sleep with you this isn’t what i meant
Every year on Valentine’s Day, I put a smile on my wife’s face
by taking down the Christmas tree.
Why is every haunted place a spooky old house or hotel? If a tragedy occurring at a location leads to a haunting, every Waffle House and bus station in the world would be teeming with spirits.
“I can’t wait to see what my Happy Meal prize is! Wait…what the -”
[U2 is playing a free concert in the box]
A: Black coffee, no cream please.
B: Sadly, we don’t offer cream, sir. May I suggest no milk instead?
Studies show that, on average, humans kept in cubicles live just as long as free-range humans.
Guys, if she says “well that’s entirely up to you”… it really isn’t.
[talks about how badass wolves are for 20 mins]
date: can we talk about something else?
[pulls out powerpoint on why wolves are badass] No
Husband: Now that our younger son is 6 and our older one doesn’t turn 10 for a few months, you know what that means
Me: No, what?
H: It’s the summer of 6 and 9
Me: get out
Women: Be smart. Don’t do this.
Son: I want a quinceañera.
Me: You can’t have one
Son: Why not?
Me: Just asking this makes me realize why you failed spanish 1 last year
*ps: he is also 16*
Learn how to read a book again simply by sticking a twitter Avi alongside every paragraph…….
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
me: *rubs lamp*
genie: I will grant you three wishes
me: can you go away I’m rubbing this lamp
My favourite childhood memory is not paying bills
Heads up, cartwheels are my favorite thing to do hands down
please send your thoughts and prayers to my 8 yo who has a loose tooth and he is now incapable of doing anything such as emptying the dishwasher or eating veggies because they’re too hard to chew.
My boss calls me chief, so I really don’t know who’s in charge anymore. I hope it’s not me because I haven’t been paying attention.
Ladies time to start dating the older dudes
They can get you in the grocery store earlier
Doormat
Placemat
Yoga mat
Laundry matYes, it’s another four mat tweet.
Little kid *stubbing toe*: Gosh dang it!
[heaven]
Gosh: Why is it only kids get my name right?
Jeez Louise: Tell me about it.
The most horrifying thing I’ve ever heard:
“MOMMY! MOMMY! I think I just did SCIENCE in the bathroom!”
Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.
I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.
*Buys sugar-free cereal.
**Puts sugar on it.
Last night, a cop pulled me over. “Out of the car!” he said. Then an Indian, fireman and construction worker appeared. We danced until dawn.
If you subtract all the sex robots those NASA nerds built, the moon landing only cost like eighty dollars.
Waiter: How did you find your meal, sir?
Me: Yeah, it was nice.
Waiter: That’s not what I meant and you know it.
Me: Another waiter told me where you hid it.