Marine biologists are just like regular biologists, only they have to do 20 push-ups after every experiment.
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Me: But I’m sweaty, I’m anxious, my heart rate is up
Doctor: This is the 3rd visit I’ve had to tell you I can’t treat being offended online
*malia passes me a joint* thanks obama
[First day as an exterminator]
Me: *pointing to giant, dead mouse on floor* He won’t be bothering you anymore.
Chuck E. Cheese Manager: OH MY GOD
*shows up at your potluck with a handful of McDonald’s ketchup packets*
Why couldn’t I have been born rich instead of so ridiculously witty?
*waits for someone to have sex with me so I can use the ‘sex with me is like’ joke format*
Someone just un-complimented my skort after I told them it came from Walmart. I didn’t even know that was something you could do.
“If only children came with instructions,” the witch lamented while preheating the oven
How come Noah didn’t just slap those two mosquitoes?
It’s amazing that every single kid on the planet is cunning enough to know that “I’m thirsty” has the best odds of delaying sleep. Think about it–between dinner & bath water they’ve had PLENTY to drink. Over time they’ve played every card & independently found the ace of spades.
Doctor: How in the world did you manage to swallow this?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
Having to sing happy birthday to anyone over the age of 19 is assault.
Uh oh I opened a package of cookies without washing my hands first and for my family’s safety will have to eat the whole thing
If two people on opposite sides of the world drop a piece of bread on the ground at the same time the Earth briefly becomes a sandwich
Oliver Twist: “Please sir, I want some more!?”
Manger: “Kid, you do realize this is a buffet?”
The dinosaurs’ extinction is even sadder if you picture a t-rex desperately trying to wave to warn everybody but nobody can see it.
mmm onion ringos
Step outside your comfort zone to plan a play date for your kid with a parent you’ve never met before and endure an hour of small talk in 40 degree weather (because indoor play dates are too risky) only to have your kid ask “and now what?” the second they get back home.
Me: He had short brown hair, a goatee, one earring…
Sketch artist: Are you just describing me?
Me: He had a sketch pad. Looked angry.
Me: welcome to my painting podcast
[wet slapping noises for 75 minutes]
Me: it’s a mountain
Mom: I think I’m gonna make a twitter
Me: Mom it costs like $500 a year…
Mom: That’s expensive I’ll stick with Facebook
Me: Aww too bad
[firing squad]
Captain: Any last words?
Prisoner: Why, yes. I’d like to speak with you for a moment about gun control.
[sips martini] *sigh* [sips margarita] Now THIS ONE is delicious!
Waiter: Ma’am, you can’t try drinks on other tables. Please sit down.
Hell hath no fury like a pizza pocket that hasn’t had proper cooling time.
My son, sleepwalking, came into my room and said “Can you get the trash out of my bed?” So I went to his room and showed him there’s no trash and he said, exasperated, “Why would there be trash in my bed?” then laid down and went back to sleep.
That about sums up motherhood.
🥶🥶🐶🐶
i started vaping to fit in with my friends, who are mostly steam whistles
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
[spooky noise comes from my closet]
monster under my bed: you heard that too right
According to the Internet:
Xbox One
– $500.
– Weaker hardware.
– Mandatory daily check-in.
– Requires Kinect.
– DRM.PS4
– Cures cancer.