@daemonic3

Mario! Are you coming to save me from Bowser’s Castle?

PEACH I MIGHT BE

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@kristabellerina

My kids are out of town so I’m going to get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.

@dxvidjb

I can explain a lot of things in Manchester but I can’t explain this 😭

@Playing4Second

CW: Have you had 5 guys?
Me: *blank stare* That’s kinda personal don’t ya think?
And that’s when I found out it’s the name of a burger joint

@BuckyIsotope

“I’m in international waters, your damn laws can’t touch me” I scream to the police as I dog paddle naked in my neighbors swimming pool.

@FBSisnothere

“Ladies, calm down. Girlfriend, wife, whatever. The important thing is that between the 2 of you, you brought enough to post my bail”

@TravLeBlanc

Someone asked me what the sound of one hand clapping was so I slapped his face.

@donni

Any TV can be a TV dinner if you eat TVs

@meganamram

I have a friend visiting from out of town. What’s your fave place in LA to look at your phone??

@Matt_The_1st

Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.

@murrman5

do you swear to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth
“starting now?”
yes
“the judge looks like squints from the sandlot”