Mario! Are you coming to save me from Bowser’s Castle?
PEACH I MIGHT BE
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Unlike regular Jiu Jitsu, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu will get you out of a hairy situation.
The lack of proof that Robert Downey Jr is stalking me just convinces me that he is very good at it.
“Hi, I’d like a Junior McChicken and a cheeseburger please.”
“$3.23.”
“Oh, and a bottle of water.”
“$87.54. Please drive thru.”
If my dog’s front feet move while he’s asleep then I know he’s dreaming about playing the piano. If it’s his back feet, tap dancing.
Our roofer is concerned (long story) that “our little ones might eat mulch.” I’m more concerned he’s seeing little ones I don’t know about.
My 10 year old neighbour just threw a cup of water over my cat who was sitting on the fence minding his own business n laughed so I threw a basin of water over him from the window and now his dad is at my door going mental but I don’t see the problem, don’t touch my cat
no, archaeologists cannot determine a person’s sex purely from their skeleton. but they CAN determine if you regularly shot an english longbow, which is much more important.
ME: *gets down on one knee*
HER: omg
ME: *gets down on both knees* whoa these muscle relaxers are awesome
kale is so versatile, it can literally fit into any trash can
Me: *finishes cleaning*
My family: *breathes and instantly 3 loads of laundry and 5,000 dirty cups appear*
FRIEND: You’re a farmer? What do you grow?
ME: Tired, mostly.
Cinderella update where the girl leaves her Invisalign on the table as she flees the party & the prince tries to fit it into the mouth of every girl in the land
“Hey Google, set an alarm for 5 AM”
Google: “No. That’s stupid.”
My savings account has been empty for so long that a Spirit Halloween just opened up inside it
God: *creates oceans*
Lucifer: I SEA what you did there LOL
God: Get out
My day has been so awful I keep looking around to see if Nicolas Cage is in it.
Why do buses and trains cost money, like you’re going that way anyway give us a lift g
Anyone else notice Independence Day is July 4th? Maybe we can work it into our 4th of July celebrations.
[robber breaks into my house] i always knew you’d come for me, my darling. where are you going
Chuck Norris once broke a mirror over the head of a black cat while standing under a ladder on Friday 13th.The next day he won the lottery
Deathbed confession
Me: We’re bankrupt
Him: What? How?
Me: I lied about being able to fold fitted sheets. I bought new ones every time
[sexy librarian removes glasses] nice [removes hair] what [takes off wooden arm] NO [rolls glass eye across counter] um, just this book ok
What if we all do not exist and God is alone just imagining us?
A group of owls is called a flight of stares.
Me: [starts singing quietly to myself while doing dishes]
My 5-year-old, who regularly screams for no reason: Stop that
Jesus: take of this bread, for it is my body
Judas: *cough* nepobaby *cough*
Jesus: what?
Judas: what?
Pretty upsetting that during such a time of pandemic, some people are refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
Please don’t interrupt me when I’m trying to overhear something.
[AA meeting]
Ian: …and I’ve been sober for 12 years now.Me: Err… I’m at the wrong meeting.
*start packing up my battery collection*