Mario! Are you coming to save me from Bowser’s Castle?


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My kids are out of town so I’m going to get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.


I can explain a lot of things in Manchester but I can’t explain this 😭


CW: Have you had 5 guys?
Me: *blank stare* That’s kinda personal don’t ya think?
And that’s when I found out it’s the name of a burger joint


“I’m in international waters, your damn laws can’t touch me” I scream to the police as I dog paddle naked in my neighbors swimming pool.


“Ladies, calm down. Girlfriend, wife, whatever. The important thing is that between the 2 of you, you brought enough to post my bail”


Someone asked me what the sound of one hand clapping was so I slapped his face.


Any TV can be a TV dinner if you eat TVs


I have a friend visiting from out of town. What’s your fave place in LA to look at your phone??


Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.


do you swear to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth
“starting now?”
“the judge looks like squints from the sandlot”