Mario Bros. Plumbing ★☆☆☆☆ (69 Reviews)
Hired them to clear my drain, stomped my turtle to death and ran off with my girlfri….
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Martha Stewart gives me the crêpes.
Dad: I’m sorry sweetie, times are hard so we had to send your pony sprinkles to the glue factory
Sprinkles: *at the conveyor putting lids on glue bottles* this is some bullshit
Covid like
Logged into LinkedIn for the first time in three months and immediately received 45 emails from LinkedIn
wife:Gotta go. You guys gonna be ok?
me [making my Pop-Tart pop out of the toaster and trying to catch it] Come on!
wife:9, you’re in charge
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.
wife: we should get a pet
me: *nodding* a wolf
wife: are you insane? those are dangerous
me: a large dog
wife: ok thats a good compromis-
me: that hates the moon
This egg could use more egg
– guy about to invent hollandaise sauce
My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.
Me: *picks up regular store brand item instead of economy store brand item*
My family: what’s the occasion?
I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself
Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET
Don’t wear pajamas in public. You don’t know who you might run into, like the person who saw you wearing them yesterday.
If owned an Italian restaurant, in October I would change the menu to say “fettucine afraido” and “garlic dread” and “boocatini”. I would go out of business, but it would be worth it.
Bake a book inside a cake and help a convict escape into his or her imagination.
who’s ready for the long weeknd?
Name another movie that mislead you?
Gonna eat this baklava wearing a balaclava whilst playing a balalaika
If Scooby-Doo taught me anything, it’s that if you want to kill someone, do it in a retirement community, where pets aren’t allowed.
I ate a chocolate bar in bed last night & my wife said, “you have a problem” so I replied, “no, you have a problem; I have a chocolate bar.”
Me: I love peanuts but can’t be bothered chewing them.
Peanut butter salesman: Oh boy, have I got the thing for you!
Me: Air
Her: Tornado
Me: …
Me: Now you’re just twisting my words around.
“I just figured the ‘H’ was broken on your sign”
Nope, this is what I sell here. Now how many Doug nuts do you want?
[leaning over and kissing my spouse’s forehead]
“Rest in peace.”
My spouse opens their eyes: I really don’t like it when you kiss me goodnight that way.
Fact if it’s mother is trapped under a car, baby adrenaline gives a baby the super strength of eight babies. But that’s not enough babies!
Apparently this weekend there will be constant rane, hale, gails, drissle, thundre, litnin, hy tydes, tawnaydoes and frizzing colde.
Really bad spell of wether.
Dogs have dandruff and cats have dandmeow. Hi, I’m single.
[person having normal conversation with me]
Brain: that reminds me of a song, you should sing as a response
Sometimes I pet a cat just to make it bathe itself all over again
[cat and dog meet for negotiations]
Mediator: We’re just beginning this process, so right now everything is on the table.
Cat: *smiles*
Dog: Oh no.