@punished_picnic

mario, from under the sink: yeah i see the problem, you got living mushrooms and turtles walking around in here. jesus buddy you got multiple castles back here. i’m gonna have to fight a dragon

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@MrJeberling

“Screw you, my face doesn’t look like that at all” – an actual duck.

@reallifemommy3

I don’t know what this is or why this is but it is and what I want is for it to be elsewhere

-Me about my kid’s toys

@causticbob

GF: “I’m telling you now! Size does not matter, it doesn’t make you any less important.”

BF: “Yeah? Well explain that to Pluto.”

@Super_Cynthia

[Commercial for hobbies]

Like drugs for people who don’t do drugs.

“HOBBIES”

@Greg_1_Leg

People will say astrology is bullshit until they read their star sign is ‘mind blowing in bed and a great kisser’ then its 100 percent facts!

@IvoryGazelle

Well, actually, FBI is not an acronym; it’s an initialism, because you can’t pronounce it as a word.
Mom: This is why you have no friends.

@notmythirdrodeo

4: I wanna watch Sing 2!

hubs: you’ve watched that a thousand times.

4: not today.

@chrisdowning

Coffee will wake you up, but have you ever tried falling down a flight of stairs?