mario, from under the sink: yeah i see the problem, you got living mushrooms and turtles walking around in here. jesus buddy you got multiple castles back here. i’m gonna have to fight a dragon
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Body: We need to sleep
Brain: Do fish have any concept of rain?
Stomach: LET’S MAKE NACHOS
Yes I’m doing it wrong but I’m doing it wrong in the right way.
My 7yo keeps asking how old I am, so I’m sending him a cease and desist letter
My houseplants watching me put water in the espresso machine
Shut up and put on your matching Adidas track suit so everyone at Costco knows we’re a couple. Don’t make this weird.
Dear Cereal Makers,
Exactly how tall do you think kitchen cabinets shelves are?
Betty White improvising on the spot while Bea Arthur and Rue McClanahan crack up laughing is the only thing you need to watch today.
With grape soda comes grape responsibility.
[courtroom]
Lawyer: If you didnt bite that surfers leg THEN WHO DID
Shark: I’m telling you idk
*whale in the audience opens a big newspaper*
Dr: Check his vital signs.
Nurse: He’s got 4G coverage & his battery’s at 60%
Airlines texting me “we in this together” emails but when my bag was 35kg I was on my own.
idk what he going thru but i feel him
The corona virus should mutate into something nice for a change
Taylor Swift’s future song about Travis Kelce:
you were the chief, but I don’t follow orders
your mama and me, sharing laughs every quarter
when did you talk to me? before or after reporters
it’s like it all was a dream, oh well, always preferred the chargers
People r afraid of boogers. I bet u could rob a bank with a booger! Folks in the bank would back up! Police would be puzzled tho: A Bogger?!
COP: Have you been drinking?
ME: [carrying 2 penguins I just stole] Good God I hope so
Them: Welcome to the anti-giraffe club! We hate them. No talking about them. No impersonations. Any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Them: Get out.
Word of advice, don’t get a tattoo til you’re old enough. Thought I was gonna be into this stuff forever.
Keep in mind that “The Cat in the Hat” is a lesson to your kids on how to throw a house party when you’re gone…
a new guy joined our group last night and he was taller than me and I joked “dang I’m used to being the tall one of the group” and he whispered in my ear “now you’re just the loud one” ???
Once, when I was drunk, I threw a fan out of my bedroom window because it wouldn’t turn on.
Guess I should of plugged it in first to see why.
Look dude, I’m going to need to see alot more chest hair and jewelry if you want into my Disco party
Helpful phrases:
“We’ll get there when we get there”
“We’ll know when we know”
“Well, it is what it is”
“It’s neither here nor there”
“First thing’s first”
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you”
“I don’t mind either way”
“It’ll be in the last place you look”
ANCHOR: Now over to Mike for the weather.
ME: IT’S REALLY WEATHERY RIGHT NOW, CARL, WITH MORE WEATHER TO COME! THAT’S IT FOR THE WEATHER!
Don’t ever get excited if your kid likes a new food. They won’t like it tomorrow.
My wife said “You only love me because my father left me a million pounds.”
“That’s not true, I’d still love you whoever left it to you”
You guys, this guy on Dateline says I shouldn’t make friends with people on the internet because they might not be who they say they are. Is this true?
Exercise makes you look better naked. But so does whiskey, it’s your choice.
Chaos is my favourite word that’s spelled like it means it.
Date: so what’s your love language?
Me: English. I wouldn’t say I love it but I knows it