Mario has killed more turtles than straws have but we don’t ban him.
You Might Also Like
I used to get bullied online.
Until one day I walked up to the biggest computer in Best Buy and beat the shit out of it.
mad respect to the toddler that stuck their head under the gas station bathroom stall today to say hey
Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.
I think I know the stress of a guy disarming a ticking time bomb after my wife watched me while I unloaded the dishwasher.
Me making new accounts to get the free first month subscription:
To everyone out there suffering from anxiety: you are not alone there’s someone behind you
Calling peoples opinions of me “fan theories “
I’m here to make a donation.
Nun: Blessings, the orphans could use…
*Shoving my kid at her- A brother? I’d like a receipt. For my taxes.
Me: So, what do you look for in a guy?
Her: Someone tall.
Me: I’m over six feet.
Her: Someone who likes to travel.
Me: I’ve been to Japan.
Her: Someone with a steady job.
Me: I’ve been working since 1954.
Her: You’re Godzilla, aren’t you?
Me: What? No… *Eats a train*
The day we decided such footwear would be called “flip-flops” was not our most creative moment.
where it all went wrong:
“of course i know where we’re going”
“Only real heroes run towards danger” I think to myself while hiding from my whining children.
“Damn you, Autocorrect!!!!” – Mark Zuckerberg, who had intended to announce that he was giving away 99% of his socks
I’m sorry for the destruction I caused when my # was called at the hot dog window
Tried arranging dinner out but AC changed eat to war so I arrived to find the whole family laying siege to this Taco Bell.
forged some of the most powerful bonds of my entire life on the beach like this
[Me]: “I have hat-like reflexes”
[You]: Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
[Me]: *sitting on top of your head* “Nope”
🙁
October begins the tradition of removing the expired salad from the crisper drawer and renaming it the Reese’s drawer.
I don’t wanna last longer in bed, I got post coital jokes.
Instead of racism or misogyny, why not hate the people who wear pyjamas and slippers to the airport?
got my gf a manicure for our anniversary
A British person will be slightly insulted by someone, not say anything, nurture a lingering resentment, patiently bide their time, and eventually, in an unrelated conversation with the person years later, will remark, “that’s typical of you.” Usually across a dining table.
(trying to indicate to my partner that i would like another beer if theyre getting up, but using only skills i learned from point and click adventure games) wow, i could really go a beer right now. maybe some beer would help in this situation. i think there’s some beer over there
My wife never mentions my mistakes, she saves them for the weekly PowerPoint presentation.
men’s fashion peaked in 1838
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
A video of a seal jumping in a boat
to escape killer whales went viral.They were trying to orca-strate
a meal, but didn’t seal the deal.
Men only want ONE THING and it’s to have a portrait hidden in their attic that becomes ugly and twisted while they remain young and beautiful forever