@SortaBad

Mario: hey u up?
Princess: yeah y?
M: come over 😉
P: can’t. Kidnapped 🙁
M: Where? I’ll save u
P: castle. Up stairs, next 2 flagpole
M: k

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@slimmy_shady

You catch more flies with honey, even more with a dead body and way more with honey on a dead body.

@sixthformpoet

It’s so awkward when a bird arrives back at its nest and the worms in its mouth realise that wasn’t just a free aerial tour of the city.

@Sanbel11

I just want to put my hair in a cute little messy bun and not look like a sumo wrestler.

@nealbrennan

At some point, every cult leader says, “Okay, I talked to god and he wants me to have sex with your wives.” Every single one.

@FattMernandez

I hope Prince Harry and Emma Watson last because if they have a son, it will be the half-blood prince.

@3sunzzz

If you want to know if your teenagers watered down your vodka put it in the freezer.

@StoneAgeRadio13

The DMV is karma’s revenge for every traffic violation you’ve ever gotten away with.

@GregHenchman

When your bio says “No DMs,” I wanna DM you SO BAD and just say:

“OK.”

@awkwardphilippe

ME[David Attenborough voice] Starting with the outer layers he’ll devour the entire carcass

HER: are you narrating yourself eating lasagna?