Mario: hey u up?
Princess: yeah y?
M: come over 😉
P: can’t. Kidnapped 🙁
M: Where? I’ll save u
P: castle. Up stairs, next 2 flagpole
M: k
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trying to get through to Mozart on the Ouija board I really want him to listen to the Thong Song
Welcome to Cupcake Yoga! NomNomaste.
I gave up going to work for lent.
ISAAC NEWTON: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at his feet* i have just discovered gravity
ME: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at my feet* i have just discovered fruit by the foot
FRIEND: Did you hear there is some guy on the loose stealing puppies?
ME: That’s terrible!
*my backpack starts barking*
[hawaii]
me: aloha!
my girlfriend: we need to talk, i think we should break up
me [tears in my eyes]: then i guess this is aloha
I accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now my wife takes pictures of me every 15 minutes.
The local news says we can tell there’s been a power failure with their new app.
Call me old fashioned but the lack of lights tips me off.
My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.
Man online: You will die childless and alone with your 30 cats.
Me: Sweet.
Crude oil is the worst kind of oil because it says offensive things while it pollutes the water and ruins our planet.
To tell the difference between African and Indian elephants you have to look at their ears.
You lift one up and shout “Where are you from?”
When I was growing up I always loved making sandcastles with my grandmother, at least until mom started hiding the urn.
Posted a photo of my clean house on Facebook and it was flagged as fake news.
r kelly: will you touch this shower quick
king midas: why
inmate: hey man why so sad
me: my mom brought me a cake but the warden made me share it with everyone
inmate: didn’t you get a piece though?
me: not the one with the file in it
How many tamagotchi funerals do you have to attend before you realize you may never be a grandparent 🤷🏻♀️
Eventually there’ll be another civil war and you’ll still have to go into work.
Holiday dinners with family are like real life boss levels with the worst loot
Women seem to want security. At least that’s what they yell whenever I approach them.
Everybody’s an atheist until the final two minutes of a sports game.
Words I heard most when I ran errands with my dad:
Wait in the truck
Dog: Take me out! I need to poop!
Me: Okay, we’re out, go potty
Dog: My bad. I meant I need to poop tomorrow. Thanks for the walk though
Me: IT’S 2AM!
I feel like this would increase accidents because if I saw that I would assume it’s a demon arriving to drag my soul to hell.
I thrive on chaos!
*breaks spaghetti noodles in half*
Me: *opens fridge*
Dog: you gonna finish that
Jehovah’s Witness: have you found god?
me: I’m not telling you, that’s cheating!
JW: excuse me?
me: that’s not how you play hide and seek, you’ve got to find him yourself!
I am 30 minutes into home schooling my 6 year old. I suggest that all school teachers are paid £1m per year from now on.
He died in the bath trying to make a YouTube video entitled ‘Aqua-Toast’.
I’m not afraid of dying. I’m afraid of ending up in a nursing home with a roommate who has Justin Bieber posters and Twilight shirts.