Mario: hey u up?
Princess: yeah y?
M: come over 😉
P: can’t. Kidnapped 🙁
M: Where? I’ll save u
P: castle. Up stairs, next 2 flagpole
M: k

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You catch more flies with honey, even more with a dead body and way more with honey on a dead body.


It’s so awkward when a bird arrives back at its nest and the worms in its mouth realise that wasn’t just a free aerial tour of the city.


I just want to put my hair in a cute little messy bun and not look like a sumo wrestler.


At some point, every cult leader says, “Okay, I talked to god and he wants me to have sex with your wives.” Every single one.


I hope Prince Harry and Emma Watson last because if they have a son, it will be the half-blood prince.


If you want to know if your teenagers watered down your vodka put it in the freezer.


The DMV is karma’s revenge for every traffic violation you’ve ever gotten away with.


When your bio says “No DMs,” I wanna DM you SO BAD and just say:



ME[David Attenborough voice] Starting with the outer layers he’ll devour the entire carcass

HER: are you narrating yourself eating lasagna?