mario: I hate you
wario: and I hate you
mario:
wario:
mario: do you wanna play tennis
wario: lmao hell yeah
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The girl who once told me “If I’m not married by the time I’m 30, kill me” got married recently at 29 and WHEW is that a load off my mind
Stop saying I’m crazy. You’re starting to sound like the waffle iron.
So we’re agreed: if that balloon flies over any of us, we moon it like it’s 1978
The guy who invented doors must have been a big hero to the thousands of people standing around outside their homes.
They were cold and calculating, like an Alaskan mathematician.
How to cast a summoning spell to bring your children to you, wherever you are: Watch the first 44 minutes of a 51-minute-long murder mystery.
If you don’t answer your kid’s tenth “MOM!”, I will…and what I say will keep them awake for 3 days. Better ask “what?”
Set your phone alarm to a song you hate. You won’t hit snooze, because then you’d have to hear Nickelback again.
Genie: what are your three wishes
Me: make me a waffle
[suddenly I am a waffle]
Me: no, like a waffle to eat
[in a flash waffle me is on a plate]
Me: no! for me to eat
[a much larger me sits down in front of the plate]
It’s almost as if my husband actually believes I’m saving us money when I say “I got it on sale.”
A friend who is on Bumble told me a guy texted her, “Do you like prunes?” as an opener and she thought it was bizarre. I told her to respond with, “No, but I do like dates” in case you were wondering who not to ask for dating advice ever
I may be 37, but I feel 25…when I look at my finances:
Him: I like a woman with a healthy appetite
Me (acing this date):
Tiny Son: Mommy, I can’t wait to be a ghost so I can see what’s inside of trees.
New year new me
Narrator: we’re not falling for that again
Me: damn
*contemplates closet full of sweater vests* Okay, so I misjudged what to panic buy.
How much room do fungi need to grow?
As mushroom as possible.
So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.
Any dad can be a stepdad if you use him to reach the top shelf
Her: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
Me: You do realize I’m your boyfriend right?
Me: got my fries just gonna open this packet of ketchup.
Ketchup Packet: haha nope.
Me: come on man please.
Ketchup Packet: use your teeth.
Me: uh what?
Ketchup Packet: use. your. teeth.
Me: ugh fine.
[ketchup explodes everywhere]
Ketchup Packet: lol.
Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.
Apparently, “I’m not circumventing your authority, I’m just trying to get around it”, was not the answer HR was looking for.
I was watching you while you slept. You look pretty stupid.
What adults say: I’m just gonna close my eyes for a minute.
What adults mean: goodnight see you tomorrow
When the stylist spins you back around
These supplements I was taking promised me a defined shape…they didn’t say it would be “melted candle”.
Doc- it appears that you take everything way to seriously. You need to get your shit togeth… Oh no, what are you doing! No! Stop!
I’m sure Leonardo DiCaprio‘s girlfriend is a wonderful person but I saw a headline that said she “has a message for her haters” and all I could think was “is it ‘I really need my .5 lead mechanical pencil back before Bio’”