Mario: I killed all your turtle troops.Bowser: Turtle what?Mario: All the turtles that work for you.Bowser: What turtles?Mario: Uh oh…
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I can’t possibly be the only one who has wondered if the corona crisis could be solved if we all let ourselves be laminated
Just realized the girl I flipped off in the parking lot is in my next class.. This could be awkward.
British people be like I’m Bri ish
I’m a go-getter. I’ve started my New Year’s resolutions now so I can have them broken by Jan 1st
Sure my haircuts weren’t always great, but Mom did the best she could while also frying bacon, talking on the phone and smoking a cigarette.
I always sit in the middle stall so I have a bathroom buddy.
If I could ask God for one thing, it would probably be power equal to or greater than his own.
My ex got married yesterday. Should I send them a card or just the screenshots of him trying to get me back when they were dating ?
Date: I’m excited to taste your cooking. When will it be ready?
Me: In a minute I’ll have to peel back the plastic, stir and re-cover.
Bill Nye is short for William New Year’s Eve
“You know…”
[takes drag of cigarette]
“That energy bar is full of sugar”
[exhales]
Me: Do you like children?
Him: Yes, I love them.
Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.
[the long awkward silence between me and my date is suddenly broken by the sound of toast popping out the toaster]
me: “dinner is served”
I just caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume she’s a weirdo or she’s punishing herself for swearing again.
I still have a landline…
or as I call it a
Cell Phone Finder
IDK if you really want to impress me with your car…… get a food truck
Me: Your cat looks pregnant
Friend: Impossible it’s an indoor cat
Me: What have you done
I don’t wanna brag but I have definitely pet my slippers thinking they were my cat
[my first day at the spa]
*gently lays an entire cucumber on your eyelids*
Banned from IKEA again because I keep asking staff awkward questions about the shelf life of shelves.
If I eat healthy today then I can have one piece of candy as a reward. If I eat unhealthy, then I can have the whole bag.
Me: What does that cloud look like to you?
3-year-old: A cloud.
Me: No, what do you imagine it could be?
3-year-old: Rain.
How you gonna accidentally send an inbound missile warning to everyone in Hawaii by “pressing the wrong button”? I had to click “are you sure you want to do this”, verify my thumbprint, and solve an algebra equation just to unsubscribe from the Mr. Belvedere fan club newsletter.
I wish more modern politics was about trying to stop the fulfilment of an ancient prophesy.
Me: What’s the worst date you’ve ever been on?
Date: ugh one guy was a total idiot
Me: Did you end it early?
Date: No I wanna finish this dessert
Listen google, it’s 2015. I need you to figure out who I’m talking about when I type “that one guy in that movie I didn’t like.”
if you’re gonna break up with someone over dinner, make sure you do it after they order food but before it arrives so when they leave then you can finally be alone and you get two dinners
Sea Turtle: humans keep trying to touch me while I’m swimming.
God: it could be worse.
Sea Turtle: how?
God: tell him crab.
Crab: my legs are delicious.
God: [nods] his legs are delicious.
The kid hasn’t pooped in 3 days.
Do I just squeeze him from the other end like a tube of toothpaste?
Me: what do you want for lunch?
3yo: a pickle.
Me: a pickle is not a meal.
3yo: two pickles.