Mario Kart:
1) stays in first place for 3 laps
2) gets passed by 5 people at last second
3) slams controller
4) quits job
5) divorces wife
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No one:
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.
I’ve had a stressful day and writing a scathing email to the pork and bean company wasn’t on my list of things to do but here I am.
Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?
Because the rest were not-E.
Mom? I think I know my Halloween costume for this year.
-My daughter’s favorite phrase from November through approximately late September
MY DOG’S VET: who’s a good boy? who’s the handsomest boy? does you wanna cookie? does the handsome good boy want a cookie? does the handsomest best boy ever want a cookie?
MY DOCTOR: you look fatter and paler than I remember, sit down
Pickled cat.
Me: Knowing everything we do about medcine and health, I cant believe people still smoke!!
Also me: Is four boxes of Swiss Cake Rolls enough for the weekend?
Everyone keeps returning to the same hypothetical. If loving you is wrong…
Bullshit.
What if loving you is gross? That’s the question.
People always say “unceremoniously fired” like it ever happens any other way. I’d like to see a big ceremony for firing somebody. Get the gang together. Order a cake. Wear some special robes.
Give me the unsend button you stupid bird
can we all agree that Mini Cooper drivers need to put an extended flag on the back of their cars so the stalls where they’re parked stop looking empty?
The Neverending Story is my favorite movie about laundry
I miss bars. I miss ordering a nice drink and having multiple people ask me if I’m a model. Then more people ask me if I’m a model. Everyone at the bar would start yelling “are you a model?!”until I’d have to stand on the bar and make a formal announcement that I am NOT a model
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
Following politics is fun cuz it combines the entertainment of reality TV with the thrill of possibly dying in real life
I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP*looking for condom in my “Beat It” zipper jacket*
Rededicate Christopher Columbus statues to the Chris Columbus who directed Mrs. Doubtfire
respect that the little drummer boy showed up empty handed and said here’s some noise
Forgetting your manners in the south is ma’amnesia
*looks left*
*looks right*
*tosses tree branch over neighbor’s fence*
Inventor of beer: This will change the world.
Inventor of beer, after having kids: [invents vodka]
Kid: Mom, the light’s on in my closet.
Me: That’s weird. The monster must be looking for something.
Shampoo is much more marketable than it’s original name, Shamshit.
[on phone with attorney]
HIM: you’re being charged for murder.
ME: damn that sounds expensive i guess you can just put it on my Amex
Text: How come you stopped drinking?
Me: Because I kept waking up with you.
Her: I hate you.
It looks like our local Walgreens is dressing up as Christmas for Halloween.
Cavemen were like ‘kill two pterodactyls with one pstone’
Thinking about taking a picture with a number pinned to my shirt so it looks like I run marathons.
Me at 15: I can’t wait to make my own money and buy whatever I want
Me now: *rinses off a sliced cheese that fell on the floor*