Mario:
– Only went outside because of a kidnapping.
– Kept to social-distancing whenever possible
– If something got too close, jumped from a safe distance and landed on its head.
– ate mushrooms to survive this surreal hellscapeBe like Mario.
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I was just on a date with a woman and, while showing me a video on her phone, saw she received a text that said “well, looks aren’t everything.” Oof
If you are ever being attacked by a bear, be really mean to it. Just say some really messed up stuff about it. You’ll still die but that bear will be self-conscious from then on
I wanna write a tweet that is so good that I can retire and just live off the retweets for the rest of my life.
[HR office]
HR: you know why you’re here, right?
Me:
HR: you can’t “contract” Down’s Syndrome & you can’t call in sick with it
“Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil..”
Him: Do you have to say that everytime we visit my mom?
*stepping on the moon’s surface wearing socks* Oh god dammit
At a red light:
Me: *turns to face car next to me*
*rolls down window*
Guy: *looks*
Me: *loudly sings song*
*dances*
G: *panicked look*
My 13 year old doesn’t speak when she picks up the phone. She just listens and hangs up. I think she’s going to be a hitman someday.
Dear Santa,
Please send gift cards. Your taste has gotten significantly worse in recent years.
Me: *opens door*
Jehovah’s Witness: Can I talk to you about the lord?
Me: Can I talk to you about my new keto diet?
Jehova’s Witness: Can we just pretend like I never knocked?
Me: sure
MARIE ANTIONETTE: The peasants don’t have bread? Let them eat cake.
MY ANCESTOR, wiping cake and bread crumbs off his tunic: So, funny story, Queen…
tonight i learned that my mom ended a friendship because the person in question claimed a baby was flirting, and i have never respected her more
*As the Titanic sinks*
Bandleader: Next, we’d like to play something off our new album
Guy clinging to railing: BOOOOOOO
Look at you, putting your bag of popcorn into a bowl like the Queen of England.
Date: Do you practice safe sex?
Me: I use the pull out method
Date: That doesn’t work!
Me *pulls out accordion*
Date: I don’t want to have sex with you
Me: It always works
Blew my mind.
You can’t always get what you want, but if you cry loud enough you’ll at least have the satisfaction of making everyone really uncomfortable
What rhymes with “hug me”?
Chutney.
guy who has only been to ikea, walking into his second furniture store: can’t wait to eat the meatballs here
Last year my ex and I dressed as opposing political parties for Halloween… best hate sex we ever had.
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
my roofing company has gone bankrupt. I kept saying “this one’s on the house” every time I finished a roof, how could i be so stupid
Do I love my coworkers? No.
But are they good at their job and make my life easier at work?
Also no…
“fine! leave me because I talk like I’m in a novel but you aren’t taking the kids, he exclaimed”
[interrogation]
Cop: what were you doing last nite?
Me: I was killin my neighbour, Bert
Cop: louder for the tape please
Me [leaning in]: I was filling in paperwork. I’m a busy guy
“i have good news & bad news”
wife: bad news 1st
“the washing machine broke”
wife: and the good news?
“the dogs are clean AF”
If you don’t have one final pee, “for the road,” are you even over 40?
My safe word is now just a dry cough.
My key takeaway from Ghostbusters was that once you’re dead, your Miranda rights don’t count for shit.
maybe bears omly like honey so much becuase their throats hurt from all the growlimg they do