@cravin4

Marital Law & Martial Law while look similar have very different meanings…

.. Except at my house.

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@FlyJ_

*Gets back at the birds by pooping on their bird houses*

@LostFelicia

Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?

@myqkaplan

maybe if millennials didn’t buy an avocado toast every single day, then they could afford to purchase a house in 1955 like everyone else.

@bartandsoul

“What if we put wheels on this toilet?”

*inventor of the RV

@TheNewDomShow

I’d get in the back of their van if they told me they had a phone charger in it.

@TheBoydP

“No matter what it is, two chews and a swallow is all you need. Efficiency is the key…”

~Dogs probably

@IDontSpeakWhine

Who needs Botox when some discreetly placed scotch tape and social distancing are a thing.

@GrantTanaka

[cuddling w/ 5 yr old son]
I hope he wants to do this forever
[25 yrs later]
this has lost its charm

@JediGigi

[1st date]
Him: Wanna come back to my place for a bit?

Me: I thought you’d never ask

Him: Oh, really? *winks*

Me: Yes, I need somewhere less crowded to summon the Dark Lord