-Marital tech support, how can I help you?
-I’ve lost my connection to my wife.
-Have you tried turning her off and back on?
-I did the first part.
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#HighSchoolTaughtMe how to solve any math word problem
20: pulls an all nighter with the boys
40: pulls a hamstring adjusting the boys
The invisible woman had sex with the wolfman and now they’re expecting a where-wolf.
Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!
Me: You’re such a good boy.
Dog: *tail wagging* Please leave the room so I can eat the couch.
[At the Dr]
Me: but the voices won’t stop.
Dr: those are people, they’re allowed to talk.
[Folding my wife’s laundry after 7 years]
Pile 1 – I have folded these correctly
Pile 2 – I think I have folded these correctly
Pile 3 – I have no idea how to fold these
Pile 4 – I don’t even know what these are
What’s that?
“It’s my pet rock.”
Why does it look sad?
DWAYNE JOHNSON: I’m hungry.
at my girlfriend’s house for thanksgiving and i asked if we could watch the game and she said “of course!” then put on a gossip girl thanksgiving episode
wife: you need to put the dog down
me: [challenges dog to rap battle}
Please tell me I’m not the only one who has tried to open my front door by clicking on a car remote..
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: Medium Double Quarter Pounder meal please.
Cop: Step out of the vehicle.
Me: Sprite.
Sorry honey, I didn’t get you anything for Valentine’s Day.
Wife: It’s not until next week…
[one week later]
Sorry honey, I didn’t…
I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married
I need to do some tidying up around here so I’ll start with finishing this box of wine to free up some counter space
Peanut butter
You’re almost as good as chocolate
Which is almost as good as cheese
Which is tied with vodka-Poem about the food pyramid
[reading message i found in a bottle that drifted onto the beach]
to myself: “updog.. what’s updog?”
[another bottle hits my foot]
My parents moved a lot when I was younger.
My sister and I always managed to track them down though.
Unfortunately, the house having ‘period features’ turned out to mean we had to get the decorators in once a month.
I’ve never stepped into a bear trap, but I have asked a friend if he was going to a mutual friend’s party only to learn that he knew nothing about it because he wasn’t invited.
If you want to add more flavor to your toddler’s food just put it on your plate and it becomes instantly irresistible to them follow for more parenting tips
Dentist: Don’t eat or drink for…
Me: *already eating a snack before she finishes her sentence*
High Schools: Make sure your student gets plenty of sleep
Also High Schools: Bus comes at sunrise
Your honor let the records indicate my client was upsexy
Judge: what’s upsexy?
[lawyer whispers to defendant] quick, this is your chance
Every single cat would kill you if it was big enough. Think about THAT when you are deciding between name brand cat food and the generic.
It’s like the girl sitting in front of me on this bus doesn’t want me to braid her hair.
Just met a baby named Herbert. Weird, right? Reached his little baby hand across the bus aisle and goes, “Hi, I’m a baby. A baby Herbert.”
Me as a cop: can you describe him?
Witness: well, about 6 feet—
Me: *under breath* holy shit, murder bug
Maybe your jeans are distressed because you’re wearing them?
Standing at life’s crossroads: embarking on a master’s degree in business economics or getting a neck tattoo. Both equally boost employability in today’s market.