Mark Wahlberg’s mom: Marky Mark! It’s time for a snacky snacky before you take a nappy nap.
Mark Wahlberg: Jesus, mom. I’m 44. What snack?
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MOM: turn the volume down on your headphones or you’ll go deaf!
ME: that is sound advice
I freak out when i don’t see the L and R marks on headphones. There’s no way I’m taking that risk.
“HR says I’m not allowed to play horseshoes in the hallway anymore. They say it’s dangerous and it alarms the tenants on the floor below.”
“HR? You don’t have a job.”
“Tell them that.”
The “dining room”? Calm down, McDonald’s.
Just ended another email with, “Let me know if you have any questions,” like I have any idea what’s going on.
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the planet?
I ate a chocolate bar in bed last night & my wife said, “you have a problem” so I replied, “no, you have a problem; I have a chocolate bar.”
You and your happiness can go straight to Walmart. Or whereever your “hell” is.
My husband changed his brand of boxers for the first time in 35 years. I feel like I’m having an affair.
i saw someone say on facebook once, very seriously, that irish dancing was invented as a form of resistance against the english so the irish could be hiding behind bushes and the english wouldn’t be able to see that they were dancing with their legs.
WAITER: what else can i get you
ME: nothing thanks
WAITER: okay I’ll get the check
ME: *balls fists* what did i just say
“Would you rather be right or—“
YES
My GF’s anti aging cream went bad.
HOW DOES ANTI AGING CREAM HAVE AN EXPIRATION DATE?!
The horn quit working in my truck, so I’m hanging out of the window revving this chainsaw at pedestrians.
when it’s finally the weekend but you promised your wife you’d deal with the orc infestation in the basement
Will I understand The Matrix if I haven’t seen The Matrviii? Will I understand sex if I’ve never had seix?
Ok you with pneumonia, go sit between the perfectly healthy lady and the guy with the blood shooting out of his leg
and wait.
-hospitals
*feels painful possible cavity*
*eats chocolate to feel better*
I won $2 on the lottery last night so please, hold my calls.
Someday my kids are going to eat their own pizza crusts, and then I’ll have nothing for dinner.
Her: You’re up to a pack a day now—you have to cut back.
Me: [petting the alpha male of the wolf pack I just adopted] I can quit anytime.
Blood is thicker than water, but rhinoceros poop is thicker than blood, so..
My therapist said I need to stop listening to Ke$ha on my iPod and start acting my age.
So I bought Ke$ha on vinyl.
Tik Tok.
Alright, I know you’re all wary of funding another Jurassic Park when all the others have ended in disaster, but I have 3 words that will blow your mind: Chance the Velocirapper
Me: *Asks question on snapchat*
Them: *Answers question on snapchat*
Me: “Wait, what did I ask again?”
Just saw a guy at the gym with only 1 arm.
If that’s not motivation, I don’t know what is?
Seriously, I don’t know, I’m leaving…
Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.
I’m the friend that shows up with a shovel and alibi.
What in the hipster hell is going on here
Me: I can never hear the alarm in the morning anymore.
Wife: Me either. We are getting old.
Me: Nah, I think it’s because we have become used to annoying sounds.
Wife: What do you mean-
[Kids start imitating hyenas]
-nevermind.