Mark Zuckerberg has the right to your firstborn male child. You agreed to this when you played FarmVille in 2009.
You Might Also Like
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
80% of parenting is trying not to laugh when you’re supposed to be mad
[dinosaur heist movie]
*the expert triceratops safecracker spends 40 minutes unsuccessfully trying to put his ears up to the safe*
Psychic: This card means you will become a king with a lot of diamonds.
Me: Aren’t these supposed to be tarot cards?
Psychic: This card means you will get out of jail free.
Scientist next to me: My god. Reality is a simulation.
Me (also a scientist): My god. I haven’t fed my tamagotchi in 17 years.
please sir. i beg of you. don’t take away my job. i’ve got a tuscan kitchen & 2 full baths at home. sir. sir please. my kitchen. it’s tuscan
Do dogs think humans are in a constant battle to claim toilets?
Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.
ADIDAS: All Day I Dream About Sellingfeetpics
Some of you ladies must go through an astonishing amount of laundry considering how wet you always are
I see your annoying @ and raise you a middle finger.
Ninja turtle: we’re huge mutated turtles we need disguises
Splinter: ok here’s a strip of cloth with eye holes cut out
my family doesn’t play board games at Christmas anymore since that one year my sister ripped a Monopoly board in half and Risk caused a divorce
There’s no “I” in team but there is one in shut your stupid mouth.
We gave DanceBot a machete as a joke. No one could have predicted the rhythmic horror that came next.
My resume reads like an oddly formatted apology letter
“I usually don’t do this on the first date,” I say, pushing two lobsters together and making sex noises
I sleep with a water gun near my bed, in case of cat burglar.
SUPERHERO: I alienate my loved ones to protect them from danger
ME: Me too, that’s also my reason
I don’t eat three meals a day but I do eat six midnight snacks.
*Vacuums for three minutes*
“Oh God I can’t keep up with this house”
I don’t have a go-bag, but if I did, it would contain absolutely everything I could possibly need and I would leave it at home.
12. I think about this all the damn time
A fess on behalf of my cat, who recently had kittens. Now that the kittens are able to walk around and develop their personalities, it’s clear one of them is going to grow into a little shit. And mama kitty, judging by her attempt to drop him down the toilet last night, agrees.
Genie: you have 2.81 wishes.
Me: i thought it was three?
Genie: taxes.
Do you know where my mexican hat is?
– It’s somewhere bro..
Fine…a sombrero, but what I’m asking is have you seen it?
It’s actually a good thing money doesn’t grow on trees because I’ve killed every plant I’ve ever owned.
Hi I’m the protagonist of a YA horror story. My name is something VERY SYMBOLIC like Persephone Underworld or Circe Evil-Lineage. Tho it seems vague, if you’re good at doing an allegory you’ll understand it’s a hint that my family has an evil, death-related history. Spoiler alert
My name in Grease would be ChoRizzo.
If A Book Store Never Runs Out Of A Certain Book, Dose That Mean That Nobody Reads It, Or Everybody Reads It