Mark Zuckerberg I know you are a new parent but it’s way more fun to tell children you are giving away their inheritance when they are teens
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what does he know…
you can hear the blood in your veins if you listen varicosely
Teenaged girls post pics of their bodies and they’re ‘sexy.’
I post pics of my bodies and I’m a ‘Serial Killer.’
Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.
Plot twist: Dogs and cats do not adjust their clocks to Daylight Saving Time. Meals will be expected at the regularly appointed hour.
Her: I love your eyes.
Me: Thanks, they were a set…
[spelling bee]
Your word is “redacted”
can you use it in a sentence?
The ██ ████ is █████ ████ and ██ ████.
Me [sobbing uncontrollably]: why did you say that?
My favorite meteorologist: I honestly thought it would be a nice da—
Me: I WORE SHORTS BECAUSE OF YOU!!!
I overheard my daughter asking the little boy next door, “Are you the opposite sex, or am I.”
A treadmill minute is three times as long as an alarm clock snooze minute.
If you want to get more out of people, squeeze them really hard.
You can also leave cabbage rolls you couldn’t finish at any fire station. Anything swaddled really.
My tallest finger wants to give you a standing ovation.
Bravo!
Dear America
Would you please take the ‘s’ off the word ‘legos’ and put it back on the word ‘math’ where it belongs.
Many thanks
England
If I want to get back at you for slighting me, I’m not going to embarrass you or insult you. I smoke, I rarely exercise, I eat tons of red meat, and I drank to excess nearly every day for 30+ years. I’ll make you my emergency contact
People assume I am stupid because I am nice and smiley and a helper and that’s working out for me so why fight it
Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.
Cats’ have an underdeveloped pre-frontal cortex, meaning they lack almost any ability to plan ahead, which explains why they’re so bad at chess
CHINA: how can we fix our economic problems???
GERMANY: how do we reestablish our engineering reputation???
USA: OH MY GOD RAT WITH A PIZZA
The wife says our marriage is boring so I replaced the air freshner in the bathroom with an air horn
“You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours.”
Me: Are you sure you passed dermatology school?
She was rare…
… like pants ordered online during lockdown, that actually fit.
My wife says I’m too trusting. At least he says he’s my wife.
You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
When I see an Olympic figure skater fall down, I feel represented.
Archaeologist: These drawings – could the horn shapes on top of their heads actually be antennas? Are we seeing depictions of aliens?
A zillion years ago: Here kids take this charcoal and go draw on the rocks.
3yo: Ima draw daddy when he gets up in the morning. 𝘨𝘪𝘨𝘨𝘭𝘦
me: [breaks long awkward silence] “so what do you do for a living?”
taxi driver: [just looks at me]
A boogaloo is just a haunted igloo.
Oh no I just accidentally did everything wrong all my life