Mark Zuckerberg says he wears a grey t-shirt everyday because he doesn’t want to waste time on things that don’t matter.
He runs Facebook.
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[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
I learned a few things in Twitter Jail last night.
1. My wife’s name
2. How to make a shank from a phone charger
3. I need Twitter
When I go out in public with my brother; people think he is my boyfriend, which is crazy because we broke up over 12 years ago.
Me: one pill pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: no just one pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: pls only one pi-
Pill Bottle: SILICA PACKET lmao
If you’re blowing a horn at me, you’d better be in a band.
I trapped a ghost in my cooler to keep my beer cold.
A young guy at work asked me if I’m ready for Christmas.
I’m 52 yrs old Connor. I just turned down my radio so I can see better. I’m not even ready for today.
[to the secretary before I go in for job interview] “when the music starts, hit this button and that will activate the fog machine”
As the Lord intended
Person: What are you doing?
Me: Looking at owl callers. It’s skunk mating season. I want to discourage them from my yard. Owls are their predators. I COULD use an owl call but it’s also OWL mating season. I could end up with A LOT of owls
P: You win weirdest problem of the day
If a kid yells “MOM” in a crowded store, a dozen women will spin around to look. If a kid yells “DAD,” a dozen guys will duck & hide.
ME: I lied in my interview.
BOSS: what was the lie?
ME: all lies. except about my aunt.
BOSS: she wants to party with me?
ME: big time.
The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.
God: write this down
Moses [grabs tablet]: shoot
God: thou shalt have no-
Moses: slow down, pal. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’
me: i’m sad about this thing
therapist: but it’s not about that thing
me: ok thx here’s $175
Finally cleans my toaster tray
Finds the map to the lost city of Arzkab
If Justin Bieber were an insect he would be a Despasquito. im very sorry you had to read this
No my carpet doesn’t match my drapes cause I don’t have carpet , Duh….
“As the crow flies” means something entirely different when it’s “in your living room” and you are “hiding in the closet with your cat.”
I wonder why nobody told Forrest Gump’s mom that all you have to do is flip over the box of chocolates and it tells you what’s inside.
One of the scariest things is when you say something that forces your wife to take off her glasses before she responds.
[First day as a driving instructor]
“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”
I went to Costco and now I have massive quantities of all the stuff, except money
If you wait until the last minute to do something it only takes a minute to do it.
[a movie on dvd]
ugh, i’ve seen that a million times[the same movie on tv with commercials]
OOH, IT’S JUST STARTING
People think dads are dumb for getting to the airport 5 hours early but it’s only because we saved up several thousand dollars for a couple of beers before the flight. Who’s the dumb one now?
Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?
Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?
Hey Dad,
The airport called, if you don’t
turn down your TV, they’re filing
a complaint.
♫ Hey there Delilah, can we handle this discreetly
My stomach reacted badly
after eating old zucchini ♪
and I just pooooed ♫
I’m stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up.