[marketing meeting]
Boss: so what did we come up with for these little pieces of potato?
The Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Tater children
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Who called it America and not the fast food and the furious?
[at a racetrack]
DATE: Which horse are you betting on?
ME: I don’t have a horse in this race
DATE: That’s fair
ANNOUNCER: [over speakers] Wow, folks, it looks like a large raccoon has just rolled onto the track
[ first day in funeral home ]
me: *gently placing hand on widow’s lap* this is your husband’s it fell off
me: so you’re representing that murderer who pushed those people off the cliff huh.
lawyer: i think you mean alleged.
me: it’s the same thing and don’t call me ed.
Strangers are friends you haven’t met yet.
Friends are lovers you haven’t kissed yet.
Lovers are corpses you haven’t killed yet.
Me: *pressed against glass* they can’t keep us apart, they can’t deny our love, you’re my lobster
Aquarium owner: *into walkie talkie* security
Me: *being dragged away* WAIT FOR ME LEONARDO DA PINCHI
me hooking up with my ex
Sorry that I took a picture of my armpit and tried to pass it off as my thigh gap.
Parental PSA: 6 days left until Halloween.
(Translation: 5 days until your child decides she hates the costume she picked a month ago & wants that a different one. No, not the one in stock- THAT OTHER ONE.)
The horror and trauma of explaining homosexuality to a child, as told by an internet mom.
MAMA GRAPE (to Baby Grape): If you’re going outside, be sure not to wear sunscreen so you get all dry and wrinkly!!
PAPA GRAPE: Ah, you’re raisin them well…
HER: so I hear you’re a runner
ME: yes
OTHER COP: *handcuffs me to the desk* good to know
The only thing I do to get my body ready for summer is make sure my AC is serviced.
The last Saturday in April is Save the Frogs Day which reminds me of a story…
One time at a restaurant I asked the waiter: Do you have frog legs?
Waiter: No? I always walk this way!
Worst Friday the 13th ever. Someone stole the baby Jason from our nativity set.
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, I mean we. We share it, right?
Me: [Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
I just saw The Big Sick and now I’m negotiating with my doctor to place me in a medically induced coma and then speed dial my true love.
I want Grandmmarly, the app that passive aggressively corrects my grammar but also mails me a 5 dollar bill on my birthday
I wonder if my dog gets embarrassed when I give him kisses in front of other dogs at the park.
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
Friend: How could lingerie ruin a romantic night?
Me: He fell asleep waiting for me to put it on. Never buy lingerie at IKEA.
Sawing a hole under the bottom of a table to steal a cooked ham is way harder than it looks like in cartoons.
no refunds
[after drug rehab]
Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield
Garfield: *normal cat noises*
I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles. “Hardback?” The assistant asked.
“Yes” I replied, “with little heads”
Sherlock: You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper- no middle management. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Barista: *rubbing temples* Again, just say the name on the cup and say “Have a nice day.”
I saw an owl. He stared at me and didn’t fly away. I stared at him and didn’t fly away either.
I’m going to be productive today
I’m going to be duct tiv
duct tav
duct tape
I’m going to duct tape the cat to the dog today
Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter