[marketing meeting]
me: what campaign are we working on today?
boss: spaghetti-o’s
me: uh oh
boss: say that again
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If there were a prize for not having even one winning number on multiple Powerball tickets, I would be a millionaire.
“Well, there’s no circle thingy with the slash through it, so I guess it’s okay.”
HER: i love bad boys
ME: [trying to impress] my mom thinks i’m in bed
All my tattoos pretty much mean the same thing. I had money to blow.
Love it when boxers go back to their corner to get advice between rounds. Did you try punching him and not letting him punch you? You did? Then I don’t know what to tell you. Keep doing that but more.
passion fruit: i had a wild date last night, what did you do?
jackfruit: oh nothing
He told me to come dressed to kill for our first date…
I now realise my Freddie Krueger outfit was not what he had in mind
Boss: “Are you texting?”
Me: “No, I’m Tweeting.”
Boss: “What’s the difference?”
Me: “Texting would imply that I have friends.”
Me: How was your first day of school?
5-year-old: Long.
Me: I’m sure tomorrow will be better.
5-year-old: Wait, I have to go back?
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me?
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
Mama
I just killed a man
He complained about student debt
So I posted his loan they did forget
You see some crazy stuff when you’re out late at night smearing raccoon blood on your neighbours windows.
The last 23,000 tweets were sent by my dog and bad decisions.
[nearing end of first date]
Me: I’ll give you a call later, OK?
Her: *throws phone in river* I lost my phone.
*buys a whole mess of pies* “it’s my sons birthday party he is popular and wanted pies” I say to the cashier, who knows I do this every day.
I like the song Cake by The Ocean
I just read this is their euphemism for “sex on the beach”You offer me cake
and there damn well
better be cake
if god really loved all the people of the world why do our heads weigh so much.
ladies, when he’s sick, treat him right
1. make him chicken soup
2. tuck him in with the remote
3. buy a boa constrictor to snuggle him
*dents another car while parking*
*leaves note under windshield wiper*
“Material possessions are ephemeral and evanescent. Move on. I know I have.”
Who’s the idiot that named it a Brazilian and not a Tropical Smoothie?
When we go back to in-person office meetings, I’m going to start out by soundlessly moving my lips until people yell at me, just for continuity.
me: hips like a canadian goose
girl in club: is that good?
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about driving to work
I’m starting to think my wife is only having sex with me to improve her FitBit stats.
For what I lack in imagination, I more than make up for in something else.
Brother: *calls* Can you pick me up at the airport tomorrow?
Me: Sure. Can’t wait to see you.
Him: I land at 5 AM.
Me: I have no brother.
Saw a vulture hauling a carcass across the highway. Thought of you
[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]
What if you could clap with your feet?
*standing outside your house
I was totally going to stalk you but…
*pets your dog instead