[Maroon 4 meeting]
Adam Levine: “Our band name sucks”
Drummer that no one knows the name of: “let’s think bigger”
Adam: “I’ve got it”
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I think I stand a pretty good chance this year. I hear the Simpson kid is down two more toes.
My wife complained I never buy her flowers. She should look at her prices, there’s a much more competitively priced florist just up the road
the main reason men’s shirts have those little breast pockets is just in case their gf becomes a worm
“Only God can judge me”
People who’ve never been to
Whole Foods.
Oh good, my kid got a small cut and wiped his hand on the wall, so now the house has a taste for blood
smoke alarm broke, so i decided to tape a bag of microwave popcorn to the ceiling. if it starts popping, i will know it is too hot in there.
Ladies: To see how a guy is in bed, watch him put on a shoe. Does he just cram his foot in? Or does he lick the shoe fully then gently enter
I was bitten by a crow, since then I’ve had the proportionate strength, speed, and agility of a guy who is bleeding from the head a bit
I only use shampoo that smells like raspberries so people don’t think it’s weird when I have jam in my hair.
Cartoon orange juice is just pulp fiction
[Waking up in Heaven]
This is all super nice, but how did I die?
Angel: You died doing what you loved.
Me: intimidating men?
Angel: yes, you dressed up as a bear and charged at some guys and one shot you
Me: classic
What is so attractive about milk and honey that you would wanna wash your hands with it?
When my kids ask me anything before coffee
sigh
{Invention of the boomerang}
HIM: I regret throwing away my favorite stic—omg, yay.
mom gave me mine for free
ME: Brad’s here
HUSBAND: Brad who needs space or Brad who’s paranoid about being murdered?
BRAD: OMG u 2 are smothering me
ME: I’ve no idea
What are WE?
WRITERS!!!What are WE gonna do?
WRITE!!!When are WE gonna do it?
Ooh look a (Instagram, Twitter, Pinterest, YouTube) notification. Probably later!
i would like to meet the marketing/branding team that goes to work every morning, satisfied that this is the logo that represents their business
If you didn’t bring enough cough syrup for everyone, maybe don’t drink it in front of us, Gary.
I can never say the word “rural” without sounding like Scooby Doo.
Me (texting): Help I’m in the closet hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t use voice to text
apartment hunting is so sick. landlords are like hey we need you to hand-submit an application to our friend gary. he lives in a treacherous swamp. he will run a credit check and ask for a lock of your hair. 1st months rent is due on move in. please mail a money order to florida
“PARTY FOWL” someone yelled as the drunk duck did another keg stand
Thanks for coming to my TED talk.
You didn’t say anything.
Yes, you’re welcome.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
My daughter lost her first tooth today and has not stopped crying since. Why she didn’t punch me back I have no idea
Not me, making rice krispy treats at midnight because my teen forgot to tell me she needed them tomorrow.
Whats the point of calling it “secret Santa”? Everyone knows that the person who gave you the gift is Santa.