Marriage after kids is basically two zookeepers arguing about who has to clean up the monkey poop on a daily basis.
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The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!
…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.
thin ice you say? *starts riverdancing*
Baby Soldier: Ma’am. Your husband is MIA.
Soldiers wife: *covers crying face with hands*
Baby Soldier: Oh great! Now his wife is MIA too.
*peeks under bathroom stall*
How’s the wifi signal in there?
Amazon needs an Oh Shit I Forgot to Buy a Present button.
Eatіng іn bed іs much better. Everythіng’s a napkіn.
[first rap battle]
me: call me artisanal burger because i’m falling apart
opponent: please stop crying
At bath time, my 4-year-old asked if he could use “the other bath.” We only have one, so, filled with curiosity, I grabbed his little hand and asked him to show me. Kid led me to the dishwasher.
Me: How do I beat the bully?
Dad: Just punch him
Me: I am not doing that
Dad: Or grow up, work hard, and be more successful and popular than him
Me: So like an uppercut?
Jogging has never helped my memory.
I put the dog’s drugs in peanut butter so she’ll take them. She loves peanut butter cuz she thinks it tastes good AND it gets her high.
Earth is indeed bipolar, but it’s not a disorder.
[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.
New slogan for cats: “Ever go to the zoo and want to snuggle a tiger but don’t want to die? Cats.”
Oh, you like Thanksgiving?
Name 3 pilgrims.
*falls from grace*
PARKOUR!
Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.
This nice guy next to me on the flight just offered to switch seats so I could sit next to my family.
“Oh they paid extra to have someone sit in between us so they don’t have to be near me.”
I’m pretty sure he didn’t realize it was a joke, and the flight is really tense now.
Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?
*spends 30 minutes trying to unzip my pants to have sex for the first time*
*girlfriend sighs*
“Just take off the mittens”
MY HANDS ARE COLD
My downstairs neighbor thinks I’m a little creepy and that I overstep my bounds. At least that’s what she wrote in her diary.
Me: “I came to Twitter to be creative and express myself.”
Twitter: lol, you said “came”.
6: *practicing her gymnastics beam routine*
Me, with my hand stuck in a Pringles can: don’t forget to point your toes!
me: looks like I don’t have to plant any mint, it grew back on its own
mint: yep, you don’t have to worry about me
second mint: me neither!
me: I don’t remember planting you
third mint: sup fellas how we doin
Honestly the only reason I had more than one kid was so one day they’d be able to push each other on the swings. That shit is exhausting.
Next time during church, stand up and ask your pastor “Have you ever turned down heroin?” Both Yes and No are equally entertaining answers.
Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay sounds super fun if you don’t know what either of those things are.
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.
If only I had the stomach of the person I am when I lie down.