Marriage. Because your shitty day doesn’t have to end at work.

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I’m pretty anal when it comes to organizing my house.

Like how I slid in “anal”?

Like how I said “slid in anal”?


Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.


I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today


Our dog came in half-frozen after her walk. I haven’t seen that cat grinning this big since our dog had to wear the cone of shame.


I sent my wife a card that said, “I DON’T LIKE ANY OF THE BABIES YOU’VE MADE.”


Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?


What’s the best way to dispose of a dead body? Was asking for a friend, but he was being a whiny shit about it, so now I’m asking for me.


I always cary a clump of my hair in my pocket so when people say, “I like your haircut”, I can respond with, “Thanks. Here, have some.”


Go see American Sniper. Or go to your buddy’s house and watch him play Call of Duty for two hours