@slimmy_shady

Marriage. Because your shitty day doesn’t have to end at work.

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@BenOnus_Kenobus

I’m pretty anal when it comes to organizing my house.

Like how I slid in “anal”?

Like how I said “slid in anal”?

@PetiteRainCity

Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.

@dsmitty_62

I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today

@ddsmidt

Our dog came in half-frozen after her walk. I haven’t seen that cat grinning this big since our dog had to wear the cone of shame.

@david8hughes

I sent my wife a card that said, “I DON’T LIKE ANY OF THE BABIES YOU’VE MADE.”

@JasonLastname

Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?

@imdaintyaf

What’s the best way to dispose of a dead body? Was asking for a friend, but he was being a whiny shit about it, so now I’m asking for me.

@Cheeseboy22

I always cary a clump of my hair in my pocket so when people say, “I like your haircut”, I can respond with, “Thanks. Here, have some.”

@sweet_toof

Go see American Sniper. Or go to your buddy’s house and watch him play Call of Duty for two hours