Marriage. Because your shitty day doesn’t have to end at work.
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Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: The warrant probably
Officer: You have a broken… what
Me: What
Her: Why are you still calling? You know it’s over between us.
Him: You know why.
Her: *sighs, calls dog to phone*
I mean I married my wife for her looks, but not the dirty ones she’s been giving me lately.
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: Yes. 9 millimetre.
ME: *writing ‘probably a T-Rex’ in my notebook* Thank you.
“Alex is visiting later tonight.”
Alex from work or Alex the astronaut with amazing hearing?
[From the moon] It’s not me, Thelma. Hi Bob.
“What? Only 2% Milk? Then what’s the other 98%!?”
[bull walking confidently out of the factory]
Oh you don’t wanna know
I want a 21 cinnamon bun salute at my funeral.
I think my wife discovered that I opened a new bag of chips before the old one was finished. Just in case I suddenly disappear.
We went to Sam’s today to stock up on essentials. When the cashier said, “That’ll be $301.42.” My son whispered, “Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.”
And that’s when I knew all that Catholic school was paying off.
lmaaaaaooooooooo
shout out to camera phones not being invented until well after my glo-stick period
[on phone with quit smoking coach]
coach: give me 3 triggers you have that make you want a cigarette so we can work on coping skills
me: wow, i’m lucky! i only have 1
coach: that’s great! what is it?
me: being awake
Been on hold so long I can’t remember who I called. I have a credit card out and my pants off but that doesn’t really narrow it down much.
To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym “DBOF”:
Don’t
Be
On
Fire
me: man technology is scary af
black mirror: here are some more scary technological things you haven’t even thought of yet
I wish I had the confidence of my 8yo who boldly declared she was going to teach her younger sister to read “real quick”.
[Parisian restaurant, breakfast]
Me: I hear you do the best toasted Cheese & Ham here
Server: That’s a croque monsieur
M: Oh that’s a shame, I’ll have a croissant instead then please
Took my son to his friend’s birthday party yesterday. It was great until we arrived and I realised the party is next weekend.
That rare moment when you wake up actually feeling ok, then catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror looking like a kidnapped shed.
uh yeah, I accept. No brainer
My daughter asked if she could marry her brother when she got older and I was SO uncomfortable because I was NOT ready to tell her about Alabama yet
4: I’M GONNA RIP YOUR EYEBALLS OUT
Me: Stop yelling violent things
4: *whispers* I’m gonna rip your eyeballs out
The time between the nurse leaving the room and the doctor entering is for exploring and trying out as many tools as possible
I want the immune system of this barefoot man in 7-Eleven
My 4 YO pointed out that we put socks on during the day and take them off at night and that means our feet are nocturnal
Just got a “Great news!” text from Walmart and while I’m glad my package is out for delivery it’s not toilet paper and this isn’t 2020.
[Life after lockdown]
My Hairstylist: WTF
[first date]
Her: I want a man who’s not afraid to say what’s on his mind.
Me: What happened to your eyebrows?
Her: Not like that.
What I said: it’s bedtime
What my kid heard: put on a Batman mask and check the hallways for crime
funerals wayyyy too expensive. y’all throw me in an airfryer when it’s my time