[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions.
“He stole a penguin from the zoo.”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A BUTLER, KAREN.
You Might Also Like
when someone rings the doorbell
[Deathbed]
Gandalf: *struggling to sit up* Frodo
Frodo: yes Gandalf?
Gandalf: theres something i always wanted to say
Frodo: *tearing up at the thought of being told he is like a son to him* yes?
Gandalf: we- *dying breath* we totally could have rode the eagles the whole way
Housetraining our dog which is why my participation in this morning’s Zoom meeting ended with, “Well, right now I’m working on upgrading myNOOOOOO NOO NO OUTSIDE OUTSIDE”
Guten Morgen. What do you call an angry German mob?
Sauer crowd.
When I die, I am going to haunt a hot dog and make it jump out of the bun like a dolphin.
Everyone is gangster until they’re asked to reveal a “fun fact” about themself as part of a work event icebreaker.
You could go camping or you could stay at home, not shower, leave dirt on the floor and let some squirrels in.
A t-shirt gun outfitted for Costco hotdogs.
My walk of shame is in the Halloween candy aisle at Walmart because I already ate what I was supposed to give out to the trick-or-treaters.
*Meanwhile at a restaurant*
Waiter: Welcome sir, would you like a table?
Me: So kind of you, I wouldn’t mind.
*Picks table and walks out*
I can’t go on anymore dates so if you all could just decide amongst yourselves who’s stuck with me that would be great
Police officer: You get to make one phone call.
Me: Do I have to?
I remember when people just wanted to date someone with personality..but noOoo, now everyone’s gotta have multiple.
My wife tried imitating the weird groaning sound her car is making, and all three auto mechanics asked her out.
deeply unfair of people to assume I have my life together just because I’m boring
I hope at the end of the movie, Batman and Superman have to sit down and write a list of all the things they appreciate about each other.
great news: all my boxes arrived
terrible news: all my boxes arrived
DR: call me with any questions
[phone rings 20 min later]
DR: hello…?
ME: you like dogs?
I’m getting my eyebrows waxed into “permanently surprised” position so it looks like I’m paying attention.
[ER visits, by age]
Doctor: How did this happen?
Me at 24: I was trying to dunk a basketball.
Me now: I was reaching for my glasses.
My dog is always using my legs as a pillow, but the one time I lay down on him he acts like I should get out of his kennel.
[leaving for vacation]
Me: Do we have everything?
Kids: Yes!
Me: Let’s go!
[5 min up road]
Son: Dad, where’s mommy?
Me: *makes u-turn*
Hear me out: a party bus that stops at bakeries.
My kid just peed himself and then had a tantrum because he couldn’t see his ear.
But congrats on your pregnancy!
[at work]
CW: Hey, I found your Twi…
Me: *jumps out window*
CW: …Twinkies.
My kid asked me what day of the week it is and I wish she wouldn’t ask me such hard questions
As I was being put under for my colonoscopy, I apparently announced to the room, “Y’all are in for a real treat” and then passed out. 😭😭😭
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
Neighbor: It’s July, you need to take down the xmas lights.
Me: It’s no worse than your stupid yard gnome.
Neighbor: That’s my wife.
“ooOOOooo”
“oooOOoo”
“oooOOoh”
“OoOOooh”–spirited debate