[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He hired a clown for my nana’s funeral”
PEOPLE NEEDED CHEERING UP, KAREN
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Trying to figure out the exact number of food pieces that need to be in water to make it go from being gross to being soup.
Why don’t we ever talk about how there were aquariums EVERYWHERE in the ’80s. You couldn’t buy socks in a department store without seeing at least 40 tropical fish.
We do it every night.
Annoy each other.
I taught my son how to spell beer so he’d stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.
Chicks like it when you let out a loud “AWOOGA” when you see her naked
Me: If I’m guilty of anything, it’s hating the way you change the subject
Judge: And all the murders you did
Me: There you go again
Overweight people know they’re overweight, tall people know they’re tall, why is it that stupid people don’t know what they are?
honestly this was all i could see so i drew it
It’s only natural to want to let your children learn from their own mistakes and work their way out of difficult situations, but after being under a stool for several minutes I picked my Roomba, Alice, up and relocated her because I couldn’t handle that banging another second.
The movie scene where discarded clothes lead to lovers in bed, except it’s my clothes leading to my wife picking them up and cursing me.
I read a description of my personality and it warned that I should be careful not to let myself fall into “hermit mode” and I’m like hermit mode sounds awesome how do I unlock hermit mode
I’m brimming with meh today. I’m a lethargic ball of unbridled unenthusiasm
Everyone is drunk except me.
– a horror story
Sorry can’t. Calling NASA and making alien noises
Personal news: After years of flawless service, the Tooth Fairy hit a rough patch this week.
My dad said he couldn’t get into Game of Thrones because he doesn’t like fantasy so I asked him when he was going to stop watching Fox News.
Reporter: are you nervous about the fight?
Me nervously: no
Reporter: he said he’s going to ‘rip your heart out’
Me crying: but I need it
[Alien family passing Earth]
*door lock noise*
Pest control guy, pulling a piece of drywall out to reveal an infant sitting inside the wall: Yep you got babies
i wanna be one of those basic girls that’s really good at making shark coochie boards or whatever. you know, these.
Why are the states most in need of abortion so against it?
ME: these fireworks are so quiet
WIFE: those are palm trees
Men: “once you get married you never get any sex”.
[wife walks around the house completely naked]
Every man: *continues to be completely hypnotized by whatever sports game is on*
HBO’s Cookie Monster is much darker
wife [whispers] Josh
me
wife *nudges me* Josh
me: Huh? What?
wife: You were explaining the plot to Space Jam in your sleep again
Yesterday’s me was confident enough to pack a bikini. Today’s me now has to live with that poor decision.
You know you’re on drugs when you’re talking to your kids about drugs and you don’t have any kids.
I just looked over at my new shoes and the box says “vegan”. I’ve never had to feed my other shoes before
Teachers: “There are no stupid questions”
Parents of toddlers: “There are mostly stupid questions”
I’m starting a Kickstarter to bring a lion from Africa and let it loose in a dentist’s office.