[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m foolish with money
“He used our life savings to buy a tiger”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A CAT, KAREN
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GUY (whose car died): can u help me? I need a jump
ME (pulling a trampoline out of my trunk): im always prepared for emergencies like this
mortician: can you come ID the body
wife: what’s it wearing
mortician: just a pair of dress jorts
wife: anything in the pocket
mortician: chicken nugg-
wife: that’s him
Judas is buying everyone shots.
Seems to have a bit more cash than normal…..
Good for him
Found my missing cardigan when my sister posted a FB pic of her wearing it.
*points to person jogging outside through the snow*
“Look kids, a lunatic”
The rumor that I’m secretly creating a zombie apocalypse to generate demand for flamethrowers is completely false
I love April Fools’ Day. It’s the only day of the year when people are skeptical of things they read on the internet.
Slim pickings in the Valentines card aisle this morning. Wish me luck as I transform “Uncle” to look like “Wife.”
Kids: We’re hungry!
Me: You’re in luck. I have just the thing.
The thing:
KIM JONG UN: I am the angriest craziest most unstable leader in the world and I have the worst haircut
DONALD TRUMP: hold my beer
I told my kid that the fish fossil was found 194 years ago. He asked if I’d found it. And that’s when he mysteriously disappeared…
If an interviewer asks you: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” say “I don’t know, did you see me pull up in a DaLorean?”
next time i’m opening up to someone is my autopsy
Our nephew told us his rap name was Roast Beef, and until my last breath on earth, I’m gonna remind him of this as much as possible.
When I’m having a bad day nothing sets me off quite like trying to pull one wipe out of the container and 47 more coming with it
Is age 14 too old to leave your kid on a doorstep?
Ladies, if he:
– only wants to hang out when he’s drunk
– never brings you around his friends
– fingers on his head
– no legs or feet
– always trying to sell you pastaHe’s not your man. He’s the hamburger helper glove
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room
Your table is ready. Samantha will show you to your table by speed walking through our busy dining room. we will lose some of you in the process.
I miss this era type of pranks😭
Her: I wish you’d just grow up.
Me: That’s a horrible thing to wish upon someone.
Feels like we probably could have put that groundhog’s psychic abilities to better use.
I don’t even bother moving when my Fitbit is charging. There’s no point.
Did a trash talking tree write this?
I only have eyes for you. I got them from the morgue. I’ll probably get arrested.
I don’t understand why they named it “sandpaper” when the obvious name “office toilet paper” was right there in front of them.
Me: Keep absolutely still. His vision is based on movement
Vampire: That’s a T-Rex, idiot
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a veterinarian
Me: thank you for your service
Date: veterinarian not veteran
Me: ok but still
Chuffed as chips with my new Apple watch!
*holds flashlight under chin*
“…and then the typo appears, AFTER you hit send!!”
*everyone screams in horror*