[marriage counseling]
She’s always getting mad at me
“There’s a shark living in our pool”
IT WAS SHARK WEEK AND HE WAS ON SALE, KAREN
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Call Me crazy, but the ideal number of times a Pope should have once been a member of the Nazi Youth is zero.
[eating paste]
Here’s what I think…
[prison]
PRISONER: what’s for breakfast
GUARD: every meal is bread & water
PRISONER: [is a duck] oh baby
If anyone needs an ark, I Noah guy.
me hitting on a model
doctor: describe your average night
me: they wear suits of armor
doctor: no I mean at bedtime
me: they probably take it off
Do you think animals have famous animals in their social groups, or do you think they worship celebrities? But a group of cows worshiping a super sexy cow – does that happen?
him: what are you looking for on this dating site?
me: someone who will hold the cats down so I can take pics of them wearing sunglasses.
Interviewer: Why do you want to work here?
Me: Revenge.
My 4yo thinks it’s fun to bring up special moments completely out of the blue. So all of a sudden I’ll hear, “mommy, remember when you forgot to water the plant and it died?” or “remember when daddy dropped the burgers on the floor?” Feels like we’re living with a tiny heckler.
The zombie I shot earlier may have just been a kid with chapped lips. I don’t take any chances.
Pizza will never hurt your feelings.
trust my gut? the thing that can’t even handle milk?
bored gunna start making up careers: milk sommelier, door to door toothbrush salesman, Sponge repairman, host of america’s funniest sex tapes, Secretary of toiletries, train model, chief executive dysfunction officer, president of a university, pig jockey, salt tester, underwater
*Sneezes*
Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk
My kids are trying to decide what sign they want to put on their new bedroom door, and so far they’ve narrowed it down to:
boys only
boys rule
no girls except at bedtime
sometimes girls
I really like your LED headlights can I look at them with my hammer
I love cheese!
Cheese: I have a boyfriend
I told my tween to exercise so he sat on the couch and told me he was exercising — his right to freedom. I was mad, mostly that I never thought of that one myself.
[driving behind a van with a “watch for motorcycles” sticker]
Me [leans over to wife]: Haha what kind of idiot would take that trade
Me: In my day we all had to watch the same thing, at the same time, on the same screen
My kids: NOOOOO!!!
Last New Year my resolution was 1920×1080 , this year it’s to be less of a nerd.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
the dog ran into a fence chasing a squirrel. she doesn’t look anything like me but she’s mine. i can tell
The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
I just want to be rich enough to hire someone whose job is to intercept callers and visitors and say “he’s in no condition to see anyone right now”
Me, in my teens: This radio station is playing my jams.
Me, in my 20s: This bar is playing my jams.
Me, in my 30s: This grocery store is playing my jams.
Where there’s a will there’s a way. You just have to be nice to your rich aunt
My wife left me for my best friend.
Well, he was just a stranger at that time. He is my best friend now.