[Marriage Counseling]
Wife: He’s always messing up even the simplest phrases.
Me: I THOUGHT we were gonna keep that on the download…
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Muggers: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
Me: My Lord will protect me
Muggers: Haha, right-
Jesus: [appears wielding dual katanas]
I smell SINNERS
“All of everything is about balance,” she says juggling three chainsaws, five flaming bowling balls, & a chicken named Englebert.
Note to self: just because my phone has a camera, that does not make me a photographer or a porn star.
She likes her men how she likes her coffee: sliding off the roof of her car
*at psychic reading*
Psychic: you probably think you’re wasting your time
Me: Ooh you’re good
[Dollar Store Interview]
“What are your qualifications?”[Slides over a dollar]
“Cashier job is yours”[Slides $2]
“Welcome to Management”
A swear jar, but you take out a piece of paper and yell whatever’s written on it.
me as a child: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me as an adult: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me on my death bed: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
SUPER-VILLAIN: Join me! Together we would be unstoppable!
HERO: Ok
SUPER-VILLAIN: What’s that now?
HERO: I’m in
SUPER-VILLAIN: Oh. I wasn’t really prepared for you to accept.
HERO: My therapist said to try new things
SUPER-VILLAIN: This is awkward
HERO: I’ll get my stuff
All I’ve ever really wanted is a modest little home, nothing fancy. A usable kitchen, a yard for the dog, a sprawling bookcase-accessible secret Victorian library with a minimum of three rolling ladders and a kindly ghost librarian. I don’t ask for much.
That’s not fat. It’s bonus content.
Once you understand they’re unwilling time travelers dropped here moments earlier, the confused actions of squirrels suddenly make sense.
I googled my symptoms and it turns out that half of y’all are stupid 🤕
I hope this year they have the courage to legalize diarrhea.
Every call with my mother starts in one of two ways:
1. WHY HAVEN’T YOU CALLED? IS EVERYTHING OK?
2. WHY ARE YOU CALLING? IS EVERYTHING OK?
Do I want to join the Illuminati, bot?
I AM the Illuminati.
Eggs come out of the carton left to right, buddy. Not all willy-nilly like some crazy person who hates America.
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
IDEA FOR COURTROOM SKETCH ARTISTS: a camera
If the horse track doesn’t open back up soon, I’m gonna lose the only math I remember.
It’s terribly sad, but the fact that the graphic had to be added is due to the shockingly low literacy rate among geese.
I know how to make her bite her lip, arch her back and curl her toes
Legos on the floor by her side of the bed
told my dad about a rough patch i went through mentally and he asked in a concerned voice whether i’d still managed to take my car in for routine maintenance
1st wise man: I brought gold for the baby
2nd wise man: [hiding frankincense behind his back] actually that gold is from both of us
[tattoo parlor]
“WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!?”
“You said you wanted something that said that life is all about taking-“
“Wisks!”
“Right. That’s why I-”
“I’m weally disappointed.”
I just ate dinner. At 4pm. I am SO prepared for my 74th birthday
As I move away from the hometown that’s nurtured and protected me ever since I was 9 years old, I fondly wave goodbye to the place that saw me grow from a 50 pound weakling in to a 250 pound weakling.
In a shocking twist my children just put on masks to play Grocery Store
me: i have good and bad news
her: bad first
me: there’s a dead body in the woods near the train tracks
her: what’s the good news
me: i found waldo
if your body is a temple then mine is a haunted house on Scooby Doo