[marriage counseling]
Wife: I just wish he wasn’t so clingy
Husband: YOU KNEW I WAS A BARNACLE, LINDA
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[dinner party at spooky castle]
host: so NONE of you will leave here tonight..
guests: *gasp*
host: ..without a HUG!
Direct deposit: +1400
Me at Cheesecake Factory: yeah I’ll take one of each slice
Making out like this makes me hungry ever since I practiced kissing on my ham
Him: …
Me:…
Him: …
Me: …
Him: It’s “HAND”
Me: Say oink
Thief: Did u see me rob this bank?
Teller: well, yes!*Teller shot in the head*
Thief: DID U SEE ME ROB THIS BANK?
Me: No. But my wife did!
Brought a ninja to a gunfight and it was really cool. Everyone clapped. Then they shot him.
Pronouncing “driest” like priest
After seeing my share of people’s ultrasound pictures I’m convinced that they just give everyone the same one.
Shit dude that SUCKS
-me as a 911 operator
My favorite thing about living in New York is that when you see somebody with a baby carrier strapped to their chest, 9 times out of 10, it’s a poodle
*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*
Guys.You can’t make everyone happy, so just concentrate on me
Want to feel old? We’re closer to the summer of 2069 than we are the original year Bryan Adams wrote that song about, the summer ‘69 AD.
crazy how many people don’t know they’re in a polyamorous relationship.
Me: I’m worried that the romance has gone out of our marriage
Hub: Bet I can change your mind during the next commercial break
Me: there’s just no way you ONLY have air conditioners
Lowes employee: *visibly uncomfortable*
Me: here’s the thing Curp
Lowes employee: it’s Curt
Me: here’s the thing Curd. I’m gonna need you to show me where the air shampoos are
waking up with a headache was not the pounding I was hoping for
[dinner]
HER: don’t embarrass me tonight
ME: how would I do that?
WAITER: just an fyi we ran out of lettuce
ME: ok, everyone romaine calm
If you watch Beauty & the Beast backwards a grown man devolves into a monster then into a petulant little boy. It’s basically Twitter.
My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.
“Sorry, are you…?”
“Oh… no! No, I’m not, sorry…”
“Ah! That’s ok, haha, thanks, sorry”
“Sorry”Transcript of a Brit asking another Brit if they’re in the queue
Please join me in prayer for my two year old daughter, her sleeve is wet.
If they could just figure out how to put fluoride in beef jerky I wouldn’t have to brush my teeth ever again.
make parties more interesting by telling strangers “I want you to know that I personally have no problem with you being here”
help my (23M) fireflies (10,000) have unionized against me
Wife: How’d you do?
Me: I won $500 playing blackjack!
Wife: Good. The air conditioner stopped working.
My house: I ALWAYS WIN
Phone: face not recognized
Me: *starts crying*
Phone: Ahh there it is
My daughter is so critical…
“Another cup of coffee?”
“That’s a lot of salt.”
“Your pants are on inside out. Again.”
8 year old me: bye dad gonna go meet melissa and throw lawn darts at each other
dad: WAIT
me:
dad: don’t forget to take a jacket
Just because I’m Irish doesn’t mean I am always drunk. It means I always want to be.
“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”
*Buys wife plane ticket to Vegas