[marriage counselling]
Her: he always thinks he’s talking to me on CB radio
Me: I don’t, over
Her: It’s over
Me: It’s what? Over
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Telling people to ban same sex marriage cuz of your religion is like telling the supermarket to stop selling junk food cuz you’re on a diet.
Just this preview of the story is enough
In 2009, Nigerian police arrested a goat on suspicion of attempted armed robbery.
Siri, tell me what these manicure ladies are saying about me.
Dental hygienist: Whew! You’re all done with your cleaning. That took a bit longer than I expected.
Me: *maintains eye contact while biting into Oreo* Thanks.
MURDERER: *while murdering me* I feel like you’re not taking this seriously.
ME: *eating a Belgian waffle* Wut?
everyone defending oatmeal is like, “oh once i add 17 things to it, it tastes so good!”
My favourite thing on Twitter is when someone completely drops their online persona to demand answers from a train company / broadband provider.
judge: 99 yrs
me: is it cos i called ur gavel a justice hammer?
judge: no that actually helped
me: killing then
judge: yeah the killing
Asked my wife if I was going to get a “tip” for driving her around today.
She laughed and laughed.
Apparently so hard, she got a headache.
Oh sorry I can’t right now. I’m imagining some things and worrying about them
All we do is support you, all you ever do is complain about us!
-if bras could talk
Sometimes I lay in bed awake at night thinking, how did Skeletor from He-Man speak perfectly without lips or a tongue
I am going to the Antique Roadshow. Gonna slap my tampon on the table and ask them what period it’s from.
Even with an open schedule and no events, I still don’t “have enough time” to stay hydrated, apparently.
During this difficult time, I urge all parents to go through their children’s toys after they go to bed tonight and throw out any kazoos and whistles.
It’s too late for me, but PLEASE save yourselves!
Whenever I see a job advertisement, I respond to it. It’s called MANNERS
[driving home from party]
Wife: That was so embarrassingMe: I said I’m useless at remembering people’s names
Wife: It’s Amy
Me: Yes I know that now, Amy
Breaking news:
You should feel pretty honoured if I subtweet you.
But the tweet you think is about you, probably isn’t.
Twitter’s hard. Get a helmet.
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like: “If the leopard gets lost in the hedge maze, play Sade and he’ll find his way back.”
[At the Rumble]
her *aggressively taking off earrings and heels*
me *desperately trying to find somewhere to set down my ice cream cone*
[commercial for soup]
NARRATOR: ever wanna drink a sandwich?
Played Monopoly with a kid & argued that I CAN buy the jail.. Teaching him a valuable lesson about the privitisation of the prison system.
someone described my girlfriend’s skin as “sun-kissed” recently and now the sun’s about to catch these hands
Ruin a perfectly nice trip out with your child by bringing your child.
s
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Seems like I can’t even sit on a park bench anymore without someone’s henchman sneaking by to swap briefcases
Home Alone (1990)
A know-it-all, suburban elitist cruelly humiliates two economically anxious men, seeking to improve their lives
How good at basketball do you have to be to get a COVID test