[marriage counselling]
Her: he always thinks he’s talking to me on CB radio
Me: I don’t, over
Her: It’s over
Me: It’s what? Over

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Goldfish 911: What’s ur emergency?

Goldfish: I forgot

Goldfish 911: Forgot what?

Goldfish: WHO IS THIS?

Goldfish 911: I DON’T KNOW


You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.


They said I couldn’t drink or operate machinery on my medication.

But here I am…Driving a forklift…Sipping a beer…Lifting up my boss’s car…


Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out that I’m just after my money.


Mob Boss: Did you check the money for marks?

Me: Why would I, we’ve never had a president named Mark

Mob Boss: …

Me: *getting nervous* H-have we?


If I ever find someone I love as much as pizza…

…I will kill them. Nobody comes between me and pizza.


*4-yr old niece tells me about trip to Empire State Building

Her: It’s so tall, I almost touched the moon!

Me: Oh you are so full of shit!


Holy shit, there are some disgusting perverts on here… but enough about me.