Marriage Counsellor: last week I asked you to come up with 3 things you love about each other.
Me: I need an extension.
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Every “People Actually Want To Return To The Office” piece sounds like it was written by a lonely office desperate for attention.
Him: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Usually.
*wife stares at me*
*I stare at her*
*she frowns*
*I smile*
“You didn’t notice my new-”
“NICE HAIRCUT AND GLASSES.”
“Dress.”
Why is it then when things are going well we say everything is “peachy”? What elevated the peach above all other fruits to define itself as all that is good? What did it do to deserve such an accolade?
I see you peach, and I’m watching
ME: it’s spelled “kevin” but pronounced “kev-a-vin”
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
ME: you haven’t even hired me yet
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
What idiot called it the bicycle repair shop and not
a fun thing to do when someone enters the elevator is to calmly say to them “I was murdered in this very elevator exactly one year ago”
just seen a tiktok where this girl asked her bf for pads with wings so he got her pads & 36 chicken wings 💀
me: i just don’t know if should i spend $35
him: on what?
me: more books
him: if you’re going to read them
me: …that’s not the point
wait whoa when did the bermuda triangle stop eating boats
I don’t like to brag, but we just threw my 5-year-old a birthday party and nobody cried.
4 completely accepts that Santa Clause is real, but his mouth drops every time I remind him that his Grandma is my mom.
Me: he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not.
Police officer: ma’am this is a lineup
my delayed screaming response has baffled medical doctors and terrified amusement park goers for decades
Guys, if you want to make a girl moan, tremble, and scream: be a spider.
stop saying millennials aren’t having kids. my posts are my children and I’m deeply disappointed in all of them
*Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman all avoiding eye contact with Aquaman as he walks in to work & sees Michael Phelps sitting at his desk*
Trebek: This Disney movie starred Elsa & Anna.
Me: Frozen.
Trebek: In the form of a question please.
Me: Do you wanna build a snowman, Alex?
WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.
I just made coffee without coffee in it… I made water.
How’s your day going?
wife *opens First Aid kit*
me:
wife: Why would you fill it with Cheetos?
me [bleeding] It was funny at the time
Jesus: saw that facebook event “last supper”… looks good but whys it called the “last supper” ?
Judas: oh.. No reason really
I like to imagine that gymnastics competitions are just an elaborate game of ‘the floor is lava’.
If you thought you had a rough night, my toddler couldn’t wear an oven mitt to bed.
Maybe someone just charmed the pants off of Winnie the Pooh.
Once I heard a guy who climbed Everest say he did it, “Because it was there” and I just feel like the reason for undertaking one of the most strenuous feats in human existence should be different than the reason I ate an entire gallon of ice cream.
Pretty disappointed to find out that “Toys for Tots” isn’t a program where I trade my kids’s toys for delicious tater tots.
How many times do you have to click “I accept cookies” before they send you the cookies?
“Want to come watch the game Saturday at 8:00?”
Well I’m going rollerskating at 1:00, so yeah I should be out of the hospital by then.
WEIGHT LOSS TIP: Put your chips into a bowl instead of eating out of the bag. That way, you’ll get lots of exercise going back to the kitchen to fill up the bowl 10 times as you eat the entire bag.