marriage counsellor: so what’s the problem?
me: i don’t know
my ‘friend’: i’m tired of you trying to keep our marriage a secret
You Might Also Like
Omg what a weekend – I don’t need to eat again for the rest of this year.
Is that cheesecake?
“If I wanted to see a clown, I would have gone to the circus.”
What I actually said:
“Yes, Claire, you’re makeup looks lovely today!”
Finally watched Pulp Fiction with my kid, but fast forwarded thru the parts she’s not ready for… best 27 seconds we’ve spent together recently.
Cop: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: Sorry, no, I fell asleep. Did I win?
If you are wondering how many ketchup packets you can put in a Holiday Inn hot tub before people stop going in, the answer is 9.
I once dated guy who talked so much about his ex-wife that I broke up with him and started dating her.
Jan 21, 2015: The 1989 film “Back to the Future II” showed life on Oct 21, 2015. So we’ve got 9 Months to invent Flying Cars.
When I have kids I’m gonna tell them drugs are good for them.
It’s the only way I can be sure they won’t try them.
I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is this tweet is almost over. The bad news is you read the whole thing.
A pronoun referring to a specific thing previously mentioned, known, or understood.
That.
I just paid off a credit card debt with a different credit card & now I get why people rob banks.
I take my kids on vacation because I think it’s important for them to experience new and exciting places where they can cry for more screen time
Nobody’s coming to my pizzarrhea I don’t get it!!!
Single in your 20s: help your friends move
Married w/kids in your 40s: help your friends haha jk you don’t have friends
Is there a term for when you unlock your car but you get caught talking to a coworker in the parking lot and the car re-locks itself before you open the door but when you park at home and forget to lock it it stays unlocked?
Me: I’m a mature adult
Also me:
Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid
If each day is a gift, I’d like to discuss the return policy.
*Girl opens Xmas present*
“Why’d you get me carrots and lettuce?”
“Wait but that means-”
*Hamster at home wearing glorious diamond earrings*
Cop: you were going pretty fast there. In a hurry to get somewhere?
Me: nope, just tryna lose the cop back there
if twitter really is dying, my confession is that i never noticed the comma in that one pride and prejudice quote, so up until recently i always read it as “you have bewitched me body and me soul” in a leprachaun voice and i never understood how people found that romantic
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two – one to screw it most of the way and the other to give it a surprise twist at the end.
ARSONIST: I will be the firefighter’s greatest enemy.
GUY WHO PUTS CATS IN TREES: I will also be that.
My six year old just hissed at me. I’m either doing this parenting thing right, or horribly, horribly wrong.
[to hot girl at bus stop as bus approaches]
“I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.”
ham: accepted, non-offensive
hamn: curse, extremely forbidden
Social media is perfect when you’re feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.
I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.
<–Goes to gym 3 times a week… Cannot separate two shopping carts stuck together at grocery store.