Marriage counsellor: What’s the problem?
Wife: He is so literal. It drives me mad.
MC: And how do you feel, Stephen?
Me: With my hands.
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Women love a man who will look at them like nothing else matters, except for when you’re doing it through their bedroom window, apparently.
I await the announcement that Trump’s running mate will be Charlie Sheen.
translated into Canadian
What if bananas turn black and bruised because they run their own fight club when we’re not around?
[airport]
SON: can i yell bomb?
DAD: no.
SON: hijack?
DAD: nope.
SON: how about shitballer?
DAD: uh yeah i guess but please don’t.
*bangs gavel*
wife: who???
I want to have the kind of hope my dog has when the kids walk around eating chips.
No one is shocked when a defibrillator doesn’t work.
My O face is the same face I make when I eat really sour pickles
Which is why the lights stay off!
this is one of the absolute funniest things hozier’s ever done and i stand by that
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
Toddlers are fun because every so often they‘ll agree with almost anything you say.
Me: we’re going out tonight okay?
Toddler: yeah.
Me: we’re gonna get into some trouble.
Toddler: yeah.
Me: start a revolution.
Toddler: yeah!
Me: Then we’ll go to bed.
Toddler: no.
Of course I regularly eat international cuisine. Only last week I had cyrillic alphabetti spaghetti.
So I’m sitting, minding my own business when *BAM*
Nothing happens
When Granpa revealed an exit wound scar from WWII it gave me strength to show him the owie owie bruise I suffered closing a faulty pizza box
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
a 9-5 is two hours of work and 6 hours of anxiously trying to justify my existence to my employer
Friend: check out my conscience shell
Me: you mean conch? *holds up to ear*
Shell: you saw those kids get in that van and you did nothing
Glen, the spatula: *giggling* ok ok shhhh watch this
Me: *trying to open the drawer* what the-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ* dammit-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ*
The other Utensils: *going nuts* GLEN! GLEN! GLEN! GLEN!
If hockey comes back this season we should be allowed to appoint one single fan to watch the games who’s only job is to shout “shoot!” on the power-play and occasionally bang on the glass.
Kinky is when you bring a feather into the bedroom. Perverted is when you bring the whole chicken.
Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside
Greeting card
[cover] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
[inside] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
If Australia had a sense of humour they should have killed the power at midnight for like 10 minutes to freak everyone in the world out
The scariest part of Psycho is when she gets in the shower and THEN turns it on.
Me: I’m surprised at how winded I am after this exercise.
Trainer: this was the tour of the gym…
Parents should get hazard pay for sleeping in the same bed with a toddler
Since I’ve been scared of flying people have always tried to assuage said fear with “planes are way safer than cars!” and Boeing said “never mind!!!”
Eve: *chewing* what was that thing we weren’t supposed to eat?
God: please tell me you didn’t eat the apple
Eve: *licking fingers* oh haha no
God: …where’s Adam?
My grandma: I found some toys in storage you can give to your daughter!
Me: oh cool what are they?
Grandma: