marriage counselor: you can’t run away from your problems
me: [leans forward, whispering] what if she gave me a head start
wife: I can hear u
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wife: know what today is?
me: yep
wife: on 2
together: 1, 2
wife: Happy Anniver..
me: 3 MONTHS UNTIL..
wife:..sary
me:
wife:
me: ..Santa
Doctors say “internal bleeding” like it’s a bad thing. Blood is supposed to be internal, idiots.
If you never include your body in your selfies, I am forced to assume that you don’t have one.
Carry on floating head selfie chick.
‘i have been exhausted since i was 30’
~me as a 29-yr old.
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
Daniel slept in a lions den
Peter slept in a prison
Jesus slept in a stormNo matter the circumstance, you can always take a nap.
Raccoons wearing tiny little glasses, digging through trash and carefully reading nutritional information of any food items they find.
[shopping]
[wife being a real pain]
Me: *hands her the broom we just bought* You want me to carry this? Or do you want to drive it home?
Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?
Car commercials are so insane, like hey we’re going to the mountains to chase owls in our kia sorento, alright take it easy penelope.
I don’t have an Alexa so I have to say things like “Matt, play music” or “Matt, turn the lights off” and then I have to do those tasks myself and it’s super embarrassing.
[looking at our kids baby photos]
me: ugh, this one came out real bad
wife: oh yeh, just get rid of it
me: ok. *shouting* TIMMY! PACK YOUR BAGS
My kids made a toy phone for the baby so he can call his baby friends, and I’m like, come on, be real. He’s a baby. He doesn’t have friends.
me: omg I love these *leans in* Alexa, hello. hello Alexa. can you hear me?
son: Dad, that’s grandma’s urn
Ever since I bought this Queen mattress I’ve got shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time.
Girls love it when guys:
– are respectful
– are handsome
– eat watermelon really fast and spit out the seeds like a machine gun
I hate it when I wear my favourite red cape and don’t get eaten by a wolf.
Who knew a midlife crisis could have so few convertibles and so many cats?
Him: Well, this has been a magical evening.
Me: *dragging goat carcass out of pentagram carved into floor* It really has been, thank you.
They should use real bears in the Charmin commercials
This flower shop also sells shirts at the front counter but the display is so large that you can’t see the florist for the T’s.
*decorating the tree*
6yo: Dad, can I help?
Me: Of course! First we string the lights, then we show Mommy & she tells us what we did wrong.
Men who claim to only watch the #SuperBowl for the ads are the same ones who say they only read Playboy for the articles.
friend: you’re not taking this chess game seriously
me: [pushing tiny horse down into my chocolate pudding] ARTAAAAX!
i don’t own a scale i measure my weight with whether or not my towel closes all the way after a shower.
Insanity [in•san•i•ty] (noun): Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results
See Also: Going back to your ex
carolers: *knock on door*
(Simon Cowell answers the door)
carolers: *gulp*
What idiot decided to call them koalas instead of awww-stralians?
me: omg you’re dying
my phone: wtf the charger is just across the room
me: [crying] I wish I could help
im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s