Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.
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Professor X: So what’s your power?
Me: I can heal immediately-
X: Oh, we already have someone that can do that.
Me: -from any emotional wounds.
X: That’s dumb. You can’t join the team.
Me: I’m completely ok with that.
[restaurant]
ME: My compliments to the chef.
WAITER: I’ll certainly..
ME: Tell him his ass looks fantastic.
Just saw a guy wearing a hat that says “Don’t Bother Me,” so I asked him where he got it & how much it cost & whether or not it works.
As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices – take it or leave it.
The neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the creepy guy & I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
Friend: Wow, you’ve been happily married for 25 years?! What is your secret?
Me: He travels, A LOT.
some tweets get big favs but no RTs. why? [camera pans to dog in lab coat high up on a distant ledge. we’re too far away to hear his answer]
Interview:
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
*I look at my watch then lean in*
How much time do you have?
[enter password]
ForrestGump
[password not strong enough]
ForrestGumpAfterHeGrewThatSweetBeard
Me (filled with pride): Do you like the stew?
11 (mockingly): Yeah Dad. You’re a souper hero.
He’s already better than me at puns.
Me: sorry I rode a giraffe to your grandmas funeral
Friend: what? that’s not a giraffe
Me: sorry I’m on drugs at your grandmas funeral
I took my kids to a restaurant for the first time in a year.
Turns out the pandemic was not the only reason I was avoiding taking them in public
Me: DIALOGUE!!!
Other lumberjack: You’re supposed to yell timber.
What smells better than it tastes?
A nose.
N = Someone
O = Doesn’t
P = Understand
E = Acronyms
“I can’t hear you because my eyes are closed.”
– my kid, showing off my exemplary homeschool skills
[Horsemen tryouts]
APOCALYPSE: I like u guys but I only need 4
*Death, War, Famine, Conquest & Steve look at each other*
STEVE: dang it
I love it when all my iPhone apps tremble in fear when I’m about to delete one of them. Makes me feel like God.
I am dressed in all grey and a man also dressed in all grey just stared at me and for a second I got very nervous that he thought I was him
Went outside. Touched grass. Got bit by bugs. Zero stars
A song called “Baby It’s Not *THAT* Cold Outside” where I’m just trying to get the lady to leave
I don’t claim to understand the science behind it, but I can absolutely state with one hundred percent certainty that I am playing a key role in the ongoing survival of the human race by making sure that each and every morning, without fail, I put my left shoe on before my right.
Please stop throwing my only possession.
~dogs everywhere
[airport]
SON: can i yell bomb?
DAD: no.
SON: hijack?
DAD: nope.
SON: how about shitballer?
DAD: uh yeah i guess but please don’t.
Date: wanna get out of here?
Me: let me just tie my shoe *realizes i don’t know how to tie my shoes* how bout another round of spaghetti
Please pray for my 5yo who demanded I get him a glass of water because he’s “too thirsty to walk to the kitchen”.
Movies lie. I’ve never woken up in the morning with perfectly coiffed hair and pristine makeup. I always look like Sideshow Bob after a hard night of drinking
“It’s raining men. Hallelujah.”
-The lesser known 11th plague that God sent to the Egyptians
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
Me: hmm that’s a tough one. I guess I’d probably have to say listening is my biggest strength