Marriage has an interesting way of turning the word ‘whatever’ into a flamethrower.
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*stood on Eiffel tower watching a beautiful sunset*
Sara?
*Gets down on one knee*
*audible gasp*
“Yes?”
Help my knee is made of magnets
Dads! Please say the whole of the sentence in the same room.
Thanks.
Electric eels imply the existence of Acoustic eels
GF: “you’re so childish”
me: “it’s my day too linda”
[we sit in silence]
wedding planner: “so is that a yes or a no on the bouncy castle?”
I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport
With all the infectious diseases spreading the globe it won’t be long until the introverts take over the planet. Though they won’t know until they run out of snacks and redbull
Europeans are like “we go on holiday but Americans don’t go on holiday, they go on vacation.”
WE DON’T GO ON VACATION EITHER
Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.
GF: …I’m pregnant
ME: *holding a 10-piece chicken nuggets box that actually has 11 nuggets* I’ve also got some pretty big news
Check out the free section of Craiglist and treat yourself to a little something special.
Does anyone else picture a person actually “squatting” in a house when someone says there’s “squatters” there? or is that just me?
Having kids means you’ll have a lot of interrupted conversa–
You haven’t truly made it on Twitter until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.
still processing the fact the US government was like yeah, aliens are real and coming more and more often, and we were all like listen it’s been a hard year lol and then we just didn’t talk about it again
me: I have a phobia of very large numbers
therapist: I can help u
me: thanks a twelve
This forest scent air freshener is really working. Three elk have moved into my living room.
Me: Hello, my name is Vikki and I’m an alcoholic.
Operator: Ma’am, this is AAA.
Me: I know. I’m an alcoholic and now my car is in a ditch.
The horror. The apostrophe’s.
You: Cute kid. What’s his name?
Me: Kenwood.
You:
Me: I’m really into stereotypes.
Never ask anyone eating their meal directly out of a pot on the stove how their day was
My rapper name is Chick P cause I mostly just hum about us.
[Hospital]
Doctor:”…and so the baby is fine.”
Me:”And my wife?”
Doc:”I’m afraid she’s critical”
Me:”I know! But how is she?”
Safety first
*Involved in high speed chase*
*Uses turn signals*
You know whats scarier than a bee chasing you because i dont
it was hard being a teenager with the last name لزيق i mean stalk one guy and you’re لزيقة for the next three years
My boss: you seem distracted today…
Me: sure, I’ll get that for you asap.
“Hey, look, is that Dad?”
“Either that or Batman’s really let himself go.”
[First day working in an optometrists]
Me: They’re called reading glasses but they don’t actually read. You still have to do that.
Optometrist: Can I see you in my office?
Me: *nudges customer* I would hope so lol
Applebee’s boss: You’re fired!
Me: Wha? Why? Is it because I fixed the soup of the day?
AB: No, it’s because you keep saying “Eatin’ good in the neighborhood… if you know what I mean”
M: 😏
AB: Wait, what did you do to the soup?