Marriage has its pros and cons: on one hand, you get to wear a cool ring, but on the other hand, you don’t.
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CONCERT
AC/DC: Who’s ready to be Thunderstruck?
CROWD: *screams
ME: [from front row] IT’S IMPOSSIBLE TO BE STRUCK BY THUNDER!
all i want is to be as happy as this potato
The trend of high school girls dressing as Steve Harvey and doing that “SIT ON IT” clip is SENDING MEEE
*replies to every political email asking for money with my own email asking for money*
ONLINE BOYFRIEND: “Why do you have so many socks?”
ME: [hiding my octopus tentacles while on webcam] “Haha, no reason. They are just fun to have.”
Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”
I just remembered the time I went on a first date to London Zoo and at the gate he asked if I would mind paying for my own ticket, which I said I would, at which point he pulled out a 2-for-1 voucher, so I paid for my ticket and he went in for free.
Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It’s like having a remote to open the fridge.
my 37yo husband: after 40 it’s all downhill
me: *just sitting there all 40*
Drugs don’t kill people, people who run out of drugs kill people
I have precisely ZERO idea what people are doing when they inspect inside their egg boxes at the supermarket. But for 20 odd years I’ve dutifully opened the box, nodded appreciatively, and then put my eggs in the trolley without the faintest idea what the hell I’m doing or why.
In my life Ive spent 90% of my money on drugs, drinking and women. The other 10% I wasted.
Someone stole my car’s steering wheel.
I just can’t handle it anymore.
When I first started dating my wife she asked me what some of my dreams were. I told her one was about a T-Rex who didn’t get a job because he couldn’t tie a tie.
She meant goals
I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.
My Fitbit just congratulated me that I just hit my 10k step goal.
I’m laying on the couch.
Had to stop at Walmart for golf balls. Of course they’re all the way in the back. And it occurred to me as I was going to get them that I was walking further than I can hit the damn things.
Doctor: Have often do you have sex?
Me: Once or twice
Doctor: A week?
Me: I’ve answered, let’s move on
Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at Macdonald’s. Not funny, grow up.
“Come reckon with me bro.”
-Force
My Sentiments Exactly
My dad loves to tell this story ab how when he was a kid his family passed Carlo gambino’s house on the way to church and his dad said solemnly “someday that guys gonna wake up with a bullet in his head”
mom: what’d you do today?
christopher robin: the pantsless bear in crop top needed my help cuz he got covered in honey and stuck in a hole
mom: …okay maybe no more going to the woods alone for awhile.
“Why KFC calling you at 1:36am?
“Yes Wiccan!” -inspirational witches
[dismissed from jury duty because I kept coughing loudly the words ‘bribe me’]
If you ever feel silly for being on Twitter just remember there are people on national television asking “ghosts” questions.
All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.
[shark tank]
ME: it’s a belt with a clock on it
SHARK: this is a waste of time
ME: *waist
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.