Marriage is 33.7% hiding to eat snacks because you and your spouse are supposed to be on a diet.
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My son has about 12 seconds to learn patience.
[first day as a baker]
boss: WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT?
me: you said to make donuts
b: THAT’S NOT HOW WE MAKE THE HOLES!
m: oh… in that case you may want to avoid the cream-filled ones too
Sad that Batman’s never seen a PG movie b/c he never had parental guidance
The first step is admitting that the other person is the one with the problem.
I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.
Windbreakers only want one thing and it’s dis-gusting
Social distancing in Australia:
Once dated a girl name Lolly just so I could introduce her to my dad & say “This is Lolly, Pop.” Broke up with her like 5 minutes later.
Heard someone say their charcuterie house looks too good to eat and I don’t think they know how cheese works.
Judge: Guilty!
*bangs gavel*NINE MONTHS LATER
*gavel holding freaky gavel-human hybrid baby*
Judge: *tears welling up* ..he has your eyes
I just don’t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?
*ad for swiss army knife*
Do you need to open your wine and also keep others away from your wine?
Good news! I got the new restraining order today. So if anyone needs a stalker I’m available. I have mad stalking skills plus references.
It must be awkward being a cyclops called Iain.
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger & I realize, Oh my God…I could be eating a slow learner.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, we’re still well below my average.
I read an entire book on my 5 hour flight because I decided not to pay for wifi and now I’m wondering what diseases I could cure if I just gave up on the internet entirely
when super mario bros. was released in russia it was much less popular under the title “you are toilet man fight turtle monster”
[Spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘Invulnerable’.
Me: “I-N-V-U-“
Judge: I am pretty awesome.
defendant: *into mic* um can I say something?
defense attorney: NO!
judge: NO!
ghost of dead lawyer: NO!
random stranger: NO!
defendant’s family in courtroom: NO!
prosecutor: YES!!
Not to brag but I used hand soap before it was trending.
“You’re acting weird.”
First of all, I’m not acting
Police – OPEN UP OR WE ARE COMING IN
Me- SOUNDS GREAT CAN YOU GRAB MY CHARGER FROM MY CAR
I love when a company announces it “parted ways” with an executive, like they wistfully waved goodbye to each other at a foggy train station, instead of the guy being marched out the door by security with a box in his hands.
What’s that Batman movie quote? “You either die a hero, or live long enough to hit the gas instead of the brake and drive your Buick through the front doors of the pharmacy”?
Werent we promised soylent green by now?
my kids: i can’t wait! we’re going to the beach! squee!
also my kids: ew! i hate sand! get it off of me!
You like bad boys? Not to brag but I’m bad at everything.
-me flirting
You can’t choose your family but you can choose a hitman.