Marriage is hard, you guys, and anyone that says it isn’t has never been married to me.
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6-year-old: Santa’s not real.
Me: That’s right.
6: So I can be bad.
Me: That’s wrong.
Me: I’m exhausted. Please just go to sleep.
Brain: K
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain:
Me: *almost asleep, drooling a little*
Brain: HOW WOULD YOU EVEN DANCE IF YOUR FEET ARE LOOSE
[at library]
ME: Yes, I’d like to Czech out a book on eastern Europe.
LIBRARIAN: 3rd floor
ME: Get it?
L: This is dialog, I’m not reading it
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you at a grocery store.
“STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO”, I yell to my 5 year old.
Spiders have the whole world to explore but still try to come up in my house
It’s almost like those two bowls of chili made me sleepy
Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.
ME (wakes up from coma): whatve I missed
WIFE: Trump’s running for prez & the Cubs are favs to win the World Series
M: haha ok but srsly tho
My longest relationship has been with my Hotmail account.