Marriage is hard, you guys, and anyone that says it isn’t has never been married to me.
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sorry I’m late. I tripped on my cat and so had to kiss him for 45 minutes
“Sorry, boss. I can’t come in today.”
“Why not?”
[fakes a sore throat]
“I’m in jail for vehicular manslaughter.”
Bout to have the best sleep of my life
My husband says nosy. I say strong investigatory skills.
My kid every year on picture day after I’ve purchased an $80 package
Doc: This pill may cause:
Heart attack, stroke, minor weight gain, and deathMe: WOAH BACK UP, weight gain? I’m out.
My friend thinks her husband is cheating on her. I don’t have the heart to tell her he’s just out chasing Pokemon.
Him: i like you
Me: *wheels in whiteboard* let me break it down for you why that’s a bad idea
While I was driving, my 4-year-old threw a shoe and honked the car horn and has officially outdone my husband as the worst back seat driver.
When I die i’m donating half my body to science and half my body to a magician
Mafia boss: “So, did you do it? Is he dead?”
Me, suddenly realising what it means to ‘take somebody out’: “Oh, err…”
What’s the new etiquette rule: am I supposed to wait until everyone is done photographing their meals before I start eating mine?
Fast and Furious 75: Tricked out motorized scooter racing in the assisted living bingo hall.
Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it
gf: Daddy
me: don’t call me that it’s creepy
gf: Sorry Baby
me: that’s better
Me: Hi—
Her: I have a boyfriend
Me: —and would you like fries with that?
The worst is when you eat onions and then your fingers smell like onions and your breath smells like onions and you turn to your left and your dog has turned into an onion and you look out the window and the moon is an onion. Everything is onion now. Everything.
*pulls out 50 inch TV*
What? It’s really a phone.
Everybody was Feng Shui fighting, those cats improved my ambient lighting.
If you were to open my fridge right now, you would ask yourself two things:
1. Why is there so much soy sauce
2. How did you make it past 14 years old
Remote start, keyless entry, feature allows me the privilege of losing my keys- while I’m driving.
Pretty woman, the kind that don’t eat meat
Pretty woman, the kind that likes to hug trees
Ohoh what can I do? She’s making me eat vegan food
Parenting sometimes feels like you’re an elevator. Lots of ups and downs and the kids love to push your buttons.
Just expressed my displeasure by showing my husband the chewed up food in my mouth because apparently I’m 8 years old.🤦🏻♀️😂
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i always wear cargo shorts
professor x: that’s stup- *coughcough* sry my throats dry
me: oh here have a gatorade
professor x: thanks man
It’s gonna be a great beach day, and other mean things meteorologists say as I’m getting ready for work.
[13th century]
[my messenger pigeon flys in carrying a note]
me: oh hell ya she replied [i open the note and it says “read 7:49 pm”] god damnit
Yesterday I overheard my little niece saying to herself, “I can’t have that job when I grow up because I want to be a mummy and have children.” I set my phone aside for a serious talk about how she could do any job she wanted AND have children. Friends, the job was nun.
Interviewer: Your resumé says your strength is confidence but your weakness is languages
Me: I think you’ll find it’s pronounced resume