Marriage is just your spouse perpetually standing in front of the kitchen drawer or cabinet you need to open.
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It’s a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar
It’s a 35 minute walk from the bar to my house
The difference is staggering
Dance like no one’s a werewolf. Eat like you found it in the couch. Shout like your cat’s sleeping. Feel good like a bossy poem told you to.
What idiot called it a hot air balloon and not a sphere of heights
My neighbor told me to close the curtains when I’m naked, but then I don’t get that cool sensation of pressing up against the window glass
anyone else like Italian cereal
What do you call a really small strawberry? 🍓
Strawbarely.
#StrawberryDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
astronaut: houston come in
houston: this had better be important
astronaut: it’s urgent
houston: fine what
astronaut: [drinking soda out of the air] rootbeer float
[watching #diving]
ME: Huge splash! Nice!
ANNOUNCER: That splash will cost her a medal.
ME [changing channel]: The Olympics are garbage.
Hear me out!
A Terms & Conditions, written entirely in emojis.
Accountant: ok gross income looks good, what about any losses?
Willy Wonka: Just those 4 kids lmao
Accountant: what
Willy Wonka: what
Me singing: Then I saw her face!! Now I’m a Beliber! Not a trace of doubt in my mind!
Roommate: You DO know that’s a guy…right?
Captain America: ok Avengers, we can defeat Ultron if we work as a team. Remember, no man is an island
Island Man: oh come on not this again
Health Tip: If you add a raisin to your 1-pound bag of M&M’s it becomes Trail Mix and you can eat the whole thing.
Covid like
[FIRST DATE]
ME (Struggling to make conversation): …tell me about a time you worked well as part of a team.
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
Do I work hard? No. But do I work smart to compensate. Absolutely not.
Hide and seek, except it’s my husband searching for where he last put his pants.
Got booked for a last minute gig tonight but I knew it wasn’t prank because the pay was too low.
I just got hit head on by a crazy women riding a menstrual cycle.
I don’t get the concept of Beach House Hunters. You don’t have to hunt a house. Especially on the beach. It has nowhere to hide
H: You look nice.
Me: I’m meeting one of my Twitter friends today.
H: So you want your picture on the evening news to be a nice one?
Me: Yep
If you haven’t manipulated your kids into calling grandma to ask to sleep over, you’re missing out on a crucial parenting hack.
It’s like my nana once said….
You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?
She said she loved my personality, but I was drunk and can’t remember which one I was rocking.
ME: where ya headed after Denver
PILOT: flying into Boulder
ME: omg *whispers* I need to warn the others
What idiot called it a cow video instead of a bovine?
doctor: i have the results of your cholesterol test
me: did i pass? haha
doctor: no but you will very soon
I need a pet that is quiet, obedient and doesn’t jump on the furniture.
I think I need a hard boiled egg.
One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.