Marriage is like a Rubik’s cube. One person is trying to solve the puzzle and the other one is switching the stickers around to win the game.
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Took my little niece to the zoo. So many questions. “What’s that? Why’s its neck so long? How long does it live?”
I think she got fed up answering in the end.
My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons.
WTF. I was looking right at her.
Child me at birthday party: gimme gimme ice cream
Adult me at birthday party: gimme gimme cake
Loving would be easy
if your colours were like my dre
Outfit choices
Work: jeans & a t-shirt
Hanging out: jeans & a t-shirt
Special event: jeans & a t-shirt
Stalking your ex: jeans & a t-shirt
Having a nice lunch: jeans & a t-shirt
Doctor appt: khakis & a nice shirt so you appear to have it together
Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.
I could totally be a squirrel matador. Possibly.
Two boys in Madagascar scratch the back of a habituated lemur
(Via National Geographic)
He took my last fry, your honor
A crab has one big arm because that’s the one he uses to bring all the groceries in.
I miss those two years in the nineties when instead of using sarcasm we’d just say the opposite of what we were thinking followed by “NOT”
My personal brand is being the guest at a wedding who can’t dance but puts in a noticeable effort.
My kid upon learning his actual name is Charles and not Charlie
Overheard at the mall: “It’s 70% off plus another 30% off… that’s 100% off!”
*in an interview*
Me: Tell me a time when you really struggled in your previous job.
Applicant: 5-7PM po.
Me:
Applicant: 8PM.
Me:
Hey Alaska wilderness show person who is about to freeze to death with no hope in sight, maybe just cuddle up with the crew filming you…
No one has stolen my lunch at work since I started labeling it “Stool Sample.”
Each year, my Dad gives me money to buy Christmas gifts for everyone.
Each year, my Dad says, “I can’t wait to see what I got everyone!”
I ate a chocolate bar in bed last night & my wife said, “you have a problem” so I replied, “no, you have a problem; I have a chocolate bar.”
INTERVIEWER: your resume says that you take things too literally
ME: how the hell did my resume say that?
When a man tells me he’s looking for a ‘real woman’ I scurry away because I’m actually three owls in a raincoat AND HE MUSTN’T FIND OUT.
Enough with the fist bumping. I never understand what is happening. This time I held my hands open because I thought he was giving me M&Ms
Sometimes you just need to burn everything down to start over.. take a deep breath. close your eyes and enjoy the heat..
aaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnd apparently that’s also arson.
If you have teenagers, the perfect spot to hide your alcohol is wherever you keep your cleaning supplies.
Why isn’t there ghost dinosaurs? They didn’t all finish their business. They didn’t know the comet was coming.
first person to peel a carrot: this needs to be slightly smaller
We’re not supposed to bring snacks to meetings because they’re a distraction, but so far no one’s realized my mask is full of Doritos.
My grandpa used to whip us grankids with his belt, but I know he did it out of love: he really loved whipping children.