Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.
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12 was not amused when I made the comment of how good ‘we’ did on candy tonight
I just made the PERFECT phone call!
My parents didn’t answer.
The older I get the more I walk like Charlie Chaplin
All generalizations are stupid.
Remember, you can disappear into the woods whenever you want. You’re an adult.
How do chocolate labs not die of themselves?
I just listened to an great session on “Designers and Gyaan” hosted by @dharmeshba. It provokes a lot of good questions. I can’t help but contrast this with academia. In academia, I get the teaching/speaking opportunities based on how well I “publish.” Many professionals, 1/n
When you send food back to the kitchen, you’re basically saying,
“Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please.”
“No son, leave Santa beer and pretzels”
But daddy, Santa likes-
[gently puts hand on his head]
“do what I say or he’s not coming”
Posted a photo of my clean house on Facebook and it was flagged as fake news.
doctor: where does it hurt
me: everywhere
doctor: where specifically
me: well right now, in your office
Me: *buys anything at the store*
Wife: Was it on sale?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use a coupon?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use your discount card?
Me: Oops.
Wife: You’ve brought shame on us all.
I really admire my daughter’s restraint. When we were reunited after a week apart she waited 5 whole minutes before asking what I brought her
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care of most
batman [clenching fist]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
[wife looking at sketch of donut burglar on the news]
“he looks like you”
[me holding huge glass of milk on way to basement] it’s not though
The sacred texts.
Coachella was invented in 1999 when someone accidentally planted a headband in the desert
I’m sick of teeth being so high maintenance. Cleaning? Day AND night?? Or you fall out? You don’t see the other bones acting this way. Seriously, grow up.
ME: They call me Mr Universe
DATE: You workout?
ME: I’m constantly expanding
ME: [drinking a glass of raw eggs]
WIFE: What are you training for?
ME: [drinking glass of bread] I just hate cooking
You can’t make me breathe heavy.
You aren’t a flight of stairs.
Fact: Alcohol increases the size of the send button by 89%
twitter is cool because sometimes your random thoughts resonate with thousands of stupid losers
Fall Out Boy: she says she’s no good with words but I’m worse
Me: how so?
Fall Out Boy: restouaraunt
Me: ok you win
If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
When my 5’8” husband passes a super tall person he’ll stealthily go back-to-back with them and whisper “who’s taller?”
I wish catalog models could do one pose with bad posture, looking awkward and self-conscious, so I’d know how the outfit would look on me
Every time my sexual partner changes positions or stops for a second I respond with “recalculating…”
Strangers pay me a lot of money to give them advice but let me try and tell my teenager one single thing and it’s an automatic, “You don’t know anything.”