Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it’s annoying but you’re settled and too lazy to find another seat.
You Might Also Like
Scientists say that dinosaurs and humans didn’t coexist but the makers of The Flintstones clearly dispute this so I’m not sure.
The only thing we need to bring back is duels.
Wife: could you just run to the-
Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT
Dear Lord..
we’re dead?
I’m a lot like a 3 legged table: I make dinner very uncomfortable
Just ordered a second airport beer and now worried about making rent
Beware of the dog..
TENNIS BOYFRIEND: You deserve love
TENNIS GIRLFRIEND: That’s so mean
*signing divorce papers*
Client, “Thank God that’s over.”
Me, “Yes, divorce is stressful.”
Client, “No. The process was fine. I’m just glad the marriage is over.”
Me, “I’m glad you aren’t crying. Here’s your bill.”
Client *bursts into tears*
I didn’t ask to be the “bad boy” of professional tennis. Probably why it never happened.
[Pet Store]
Clerk: Ma’am what can I help you with today?
Me: hi I’d like to buy this line
C: You mean snake?
M: Yes your largest worm please
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
I’m not dramatic but my money has to be facing all the same way and right side up, otherwise the world will explode.
My cat flicked a spider in my face just now. Soon as I finish screaming it’s time for me to go to bed
friend: vending machines kill more people per year than sharks
me, swimming in the ocean and a vending machine is coming right at me: oh no
Australia’s reputation for dangerous wildlife is exaggerated.
Statistics show that 43% of Australians actually escape being eaten and survive to adulthood.
Wow I ordered too much food.
Here, you can have half of it.*5 minutes later*
Okay I’m gonna need that back
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
Merry Christmas. The three wise men.
Damn you, Autocorrect !
Why do you keep changing a word
into something that makes no sense ?You are the banner of my existence.
Of course the Midwest takes sports very seriously, what else are we going to obsess over…corn?
If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?
I feel bad that I never predicted anything for the Mayans.
[alien parasite invasion]
ME: Welcome to earth, I’ll be your host
COP: Your home was robbed
ME: Dang I had a self-designed alarm system
C: Didn’t work
M: Back to the drawing board
C: They stole that
M: Dang
Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back?
Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.
Handing out one tic tac each this Halloween so that children can learn that life is full of little disapointments
How come when a child shouts “This is dumb” at a wedding it’s considered cute, but when I do it, I’m immediately replaced by another priest?