Marriage is mostly blaming your spouse for not listening to the things you say, even when you’re not entirely sure you’ve said them out loud.
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A guy in Hawaii survived a shark attack while surfing by punching the shark in the face and I get scared to take a shower if I see a spider.
Why do we only do certain things for toddlers? Maybe I want some applause when I eat a piece of fruit.
Oh, your kid is in all honors courses. That’s cool. Well, my kids are learning from real life experiences like why we don’t put forks in the microwave.
My beach vacation Google searches
I wrecked my Italian car, now it’s al dente
Rocky is my favourite movie about beating meat
Her: your SO annoying!
Me: you’re 😐
Only just finding out about a past glitch in Sims 4 where your pet can text you.
Now this is how you LinkedIn
INTERVIEWER: According to your resume, you like to “move it move it.”
ME: That’s correct.
I: It goes on like for… 30 pages.
M: And?
PHILOSOPHY MAJOR: humanity is at risk
STEM MAJOR: because global warming is affecting sea levels
ENGLISH MAJOR: is it affecting or effecting
When my doctor diagnosed me with squid magnet syndrome I had a lot of questi… [a squid hits me in the face at 900mph killing me instantly]
Find someone who cares about you as much as gmail cares about new devices signing into your account
My first child will be named New Folder.
My neighbor told me coyotes keep eating his outdoor cats so I asked how many cats he has and he said he just goes to the shelter and gets a new cat afterwards so I said it sounds like he’s just feeding shelter cats to coyotes and then his daughter started crying.
Alright. Let’s cut the shit. Who harbinged this doom?
billionaire: we’re all in this together
everyone: you lost money too?
billionaire: haha no i am somehow richer
Batman: I’m the world’s greatest detective, you’ll never stump me
Riddler: what’s your secret identity
Batman: Bruce Wayne you idiot
Riddler:
Batman: you absolute fool
The best thing about working at my office is that you can literally use as much toilet paper as you want in the restroom.
[orders 2,000 Big Macs thinking I’ll only have to tell my mom ‘I love her’ for them]
Cashier: that’ll be $5,364.32
Me: shit
So you’re telling me, Clark Kent never took off his glasses to rub his eyes and Lois was all, “omg!”
I love when actors brag about being able to cry on command like that’s some kind of major accomplishment sweetie it’s called being alive in the year 2023 of our lord.
I have way too much responsibility for someone who still isn’t sure if 12pm is noon or midnight.
Unscramble: pnise
If you got spine, you are correct. The rest of you have been on twitter too long.
Me: Opens trash bag to begin cleaning playroom…..
Kids: (from a mile down the street) “Wait! I’ve been looking for that.”
I hate that teeth require so much specific care, the rest of my bones are so low maintenance
Me: I have this strange feeling that somebody in this house is possessed by an owl.
Wife: Who?
Me: 😮
When you’re feeling nice so you stop and get a couple dozen donuts for your crew. But then you gotta leave em in your car until the gravy sucking ingrate non reciprocating 1st shift crew goes home so your crew can actually eat them.
[slowly unbuttoning my flannel] give me a minute while I slip into something more uncomfortable