Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@GianDoh

How can I relax when every aspect of my physical and mental state is governed by something called The Nervous System?

@ArfMeasures

[1st date]
DATE: When I’m with a handsome man I get all nervous & involuntarily start speaking French
ME [leans across] Oh really?
DATE: Yes

@GrowlyGrego

“Thanks for turning me into an expression of contempt. Sorry about making delicious nourishment so damned accessible.”

-Low-hanging fruit

@bourgeoisalien

Only death will keep me from you. Or cake. Or Netflix. Or kittens….hold on, I have a list.

@Clover1241120

Is it wrong, to put people on your bucket list?

@BradBroaddus

My wife just opened my car door for me.

Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.

@DaddyJew

“Get off the phone”
“Wash your hands”
“Pull up your pants”
“Make me dinner”

My son runs a pretty tight ship in our household

@Adam14

Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?

@SadPeruna

Why do we PARK on a DRIVEway, but my mom’s boyfriend Craig won’t let me call him Dad when we hug?

@TrueTorontoGirl

My vacuum just died. Now everything sucks, except my vacuum.