How can I relax when every aspect of my physical and mental state is governed by something called The Nervous System?
Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb.
Kinda like crying, screaming, or dying.
You Might Also Like
DATE: When I’m with a handsome man I get all nervous & involuntarily start speaking French
ME [leans across] Oh really?
“Thanks for turning me into an expression of contempt. Sorry about making delicious nourishment so damned accessible.”
Only death will keep me from you. Or cake. Or Netflix. Or kittens….hold on, I have a list.
Is it wrong, to put people on your bucket list?
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
“Get off the phone”
“Wash your hands”
“Pull up your pants”
“Make me dinner”
My son runs a pretty tight ship in our household
Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?
Why do we PARK on a DRIVEway, but my mom’s boyfriend Craig won’t let me call him Dad when we hug?
My vacuum just died. Now everything sucks, except my vacuum.