Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb.

Kinda like crying, screaming, or dying.

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How can I relax when every aspect of my physical and mental state is governed by something called The Nervous System?


[1st date]
DATE: When I’m with a handsome man I get all nervous & involuntarily start speaking French
ME [leans across] Oh really?


“Thanks for turning me into an expression of contempt. Sorry about making delicious nourishment so damned accessible.”

-Low-hanging fruit


Only death will keep me from you. Or cake. Or Netflix. Or kittens….hold on, I have a list.


My wife just opened my car door for me.

Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.


“Get off the phone”
“Wash your hands”
“Pull up your pants”
“Make me dinner”

My son runs a pretty tight ship in our household


Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?


Why do we PARK on a DRIVEway, but my mom’s boyfriend Craig won’t let me call him Dad when we hug?