Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb.
Kinda like crying, screaming, or dying.
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Her: *whispering seductively in my ear* Tell me what you want baby.
Me: *whispering back* I was thinking maybe Thai food but up to you.
If you put dry teabags in shoes they absorb the odor. So your shoes smell good but the tea tastes so bad it’s almost not worth it
Mom
She gave me life
She gave me love
She gave me sarcasm
She gave me the ability to
cut brake lines so that it
looks like an accident.
[talking to zoo attendant as I slowly take out a $50 bill]
“No”
What?
“You can’t sit in the Kangaroos pouch”
*places $50 back in my pocket*
I stole a friend’s phone today and set it so it will autocorrect “I’ve” to “me’ve” and me’m really excited about it.
women’s shower products be like “lock in moisture” and “rejuvenate pores,” while men’s are all “smell like hammer, you idiot”
“What movie?” 🤔
It’s my 23rd wedding anniversary today and my husband decided to share a picture of us where I’m standing at Cape Spear at 5am, swollen faced, no make up, not even smiling. He, however, looks great and I’m glad for him because the last anniversary post should be the best.
A level of petty I can get with 🤣
some inanimate objects that are secretly plotting against you
[Job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Who closes the door when the bus driver gets off the bus?
Interviewer: Holy shit
My biggest fears are:
-running out of chocolate
-running out of coffee
-running out of toilet paper
-running
If there was vomit on my sweater already from mom’s spaghetti I think I would just stay home. No rap battles for me tonight please, I am unwell
Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.
breaking news! ufo caught on tape!!!!!
My son’s kindergarten teacher wanted to chat with me today because my son told his class that his mom died… and came back to life!
My son has a shirt that says, “my dad can beat up your dad,” and honestly I don’t like the pressure
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
Just found out the hard way that nude yoga is only acceptable when the entire class is doing it
A fun thing to do is scream “JENGA!” and yank a ladder out from under somebody.
some days i’m on top of this parenting game. other days I buy 2 bags of donuts and throw them and the kids outside.
Him: I’d like to hear you scream.
Me: *screams like a banshee*
“If you love something, set it free…”
Unless it’s a man…
Cause he’ll get lost…
And you know he won’t ask for directions…
[reading test results]
“It looks like you’re gonna be just fine”
[nurse whispers in ear]
“Lol my bad u got like 6 weeks”-Steve Harvey M.D.
Every room is a panic room if someone over 40 in there ate cheese in the last hour
4 put one of his toys in the gap behind the fridge and when I asked why he said it was noisy & annoying and long story short all 3 of my kids are now in the gap behind the fridge
It’s incredible how fast toddlers move. I had my eyes on my 1yo and looked away for 30 seconds and now I need to pick her up at the airport.
Female villains are largely glamorous, confident, articulate, and have a lot of resources at their disposal. I’m searching for the downside.
[new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people have asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
I’m not feeling myself today…
…would YOU do it for me?