Marriage is one person sitting on the couch eating Cheetos while the other looks for the remote because she can’t hear the TV
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I’m not allowed in hot yoga – I can only get into he might clean up ok yoga
me: [preparing to give eulogy] *takes jacket off*
priest: don’t undress the deceased
if I’m ever feeling lonely and I need someone to talk to me, I just announce to my spouse or kids that I’m about to take a nap
smoking a cigarette reduces your life by 11min unless you smoke it real fast then it only takes like 3 or 4
Pushed a 15 year old dog in a stroller and not once did she ask for Cheerios or a juice box.
Terribly Tuesday.
Lawyer: where were you last Thursday night?
Me: I was hanging out with all of my friends
Lawyer: remember, you took an oath
Me: just one friend
Lawyer: an oath on the Bible
Me: *looks at ground* it was my mom
anyone who thinks chickens come out of eggs is an idiot. have you ever seen a chicken? it’s like 500 times the size of an egg. jesus christ
Hates everyone who has a cooler birthstone than mine.
The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.
I took a DNA test and i’m actually 17% cheddar cheese now
I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.
Me: In closing, your honour, you put the gem in judgement. *winks*
Judge: *blushing and smiling* What, no I don’t. Stop it.
Fun experiment: Go into any store and ask for “the big stupid looking guy” see who they bring you
You know that song “Happy” by Pharrell? That’s how annoying I am.
My wife turned on the shower while I was holding our cat and now I have no arms and he’s halfway to Canada.
If you live in denial of your emotions, it will take far longer to take care of them, because once we recognize what we’re feeling, we can tackle it or whatever is causing it.
📸: @blessingmanifesting
#positivemind #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward #personalgrowth
Over 40 means you go to the bathroom one more time “for good measure”.
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.
Let he who is without stone come down to Steve’s Stone Supply, Exit 13A off the NJ Turnpike.
Heard someone say their charcuterie house looks too good to eat and I don’t think they know how cheese works.
Our wedding pic looks like my wife’s selfie photo bombed by me.
The Mayfly has the shortest lifespan of any animal, at a mere 24 hours. Fortunately the drinking age for Mayflies is 45 minutes, so it makes for a pretty awesome day.
my favourite word in the dictionary is ratio because it’s under rated
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
What is a ‘sexual prime’ and can I get it on Amazon?
Just pulled into the ‘Expecting Mothers’ parking spot at Walmart because I’m fully expecting to lose my shit on one of my kids in there.
Unimpressed
sometimes late at night i look up at the stars and wonder what life would be like if my hair was spaghetti. would i eat it? i prolly would. would i eat other peoples hair spaghetti? again, most likely yes
My amazing grandma cooked me some meals and this is how she labeled this one. God bless her.
Woody: lol u guys! u guys. come hear this shit
Buzz:
Woody: say it again
Buzz: [sighs] to infinity and beyond
Mr. Potatohead: lmao “AnD bEyOnD” does he not understand what infinity means