Marriage is one spouse cooking and the other deciding to block them by unloading the dishwasher and ending the argument by rage folding laundry
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Me: you look tired. Would you like to take a little nap?
4: I wasn’t yawning. I was doing my yawning exercises.
I don’t eat dessert for dinner nearly as much as I thought I would when I was 8
*rolls out of bed*
*rolls into other strategically placed bed*
“Nice.”
You want just one cow for those magic beans? Idk, I’m suspicious, magic beans sounds like the sort of thing that would cost 2 cows.
assistant: sir, profits have decreased by 50%
shrink ray company CEO: excellent
How to be happier:
1. Exercise
2. Lift weight3. When you’ve become stronger due to those exercises, smack the person who made you unhappy.
My upstairs neighbours at 6 am:
“AND NOW IT IS TIME FOR THE CEREMONIAL REARRANGING OF THE BOULDERS”
THEM: why are you like this
ME: how much time do you have
no officer these drugs aren’t mine i stole them
[while laying in the tub for 35 minutes] what about a cologne that smells like cereal?
[adding more hot water to the tub] but what cereal?
I got carded at the liquor store. While getting my ID out my Blockbuster card fell out. He laughed and said “Never mind.”
I am just a girl, standing in front of the laundry, hoping it will wash itself.
Whenever I see someone crying in public, I figure they won Coldplay tickets.
me: *fixing something*
him: that’s not broken
me: well, it is now
*sees baby*
*crouches down, does some cute baby talk*
*no reaction from baby*
*stands up slowly*
You’ve made a powerful enemy today, baby
When I was a kid, my siblings and I used to shove each other down the stairs in a laundry basket.
I remind my parents about these things when they try to give unsolicited advice.
A telemarketer just called my cell phone.
I pretended to be a phone sex operator.
HE didn’t hang up.
…things got awkward.
My dog wakes me up at 5am every morning to go outside for a shit, which is great because otherwise I’d probably do it in the bed.
Me as a kid: I’m going out in the woods. I’ll be back in 8 hours
My parents: Cool
My kid now: I’m going to a public park with my friend. I’ll be back in an hour, and will have my phone with me
Me: I don’t know – that sounds dangerous.
[Invention of the universal remote]
“This changes everything.”
I often wish for the easy clarity that stupidity provides.
Bought a dozen stamps today so my kids can expect 11 stamps as part of their inheritance
Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.
There are two types of stuff in life:
1) The stuff you need to know.
2) The stuff you want to know.
3) Maths.
I’m not average. I’m mean.
[Gets shot by mugger]
Girl walks by: omg are u ok?
I’m dying [sees she isn’t wearing a ring] I mean I’m fine but not as fine as you, sup?
Holmes: “I say, old bean, is that mud on your boots?” Watson: “No, shit, Sherlock”
Texted Mom a question & she didn’t answer right away. I’m going to send 4 more texts & 3 voicemails to give her a taste of her own medicine.
[work phone rings]
Customer: I realize ur closing but I just have a quick question
“Good, because it’s 4:59 and I-”
Now, it all started back in ’82 when I had my knee replacement surgery
Roughly 60% of my childhood was spent trying to do the crane kick after watching Karate Kid.