Marriage is pretty great except for the part where you have to learn how to read minds.
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I was a professional waxer for four years till the law shut me down for naming my shop Smoothie King.
If mice just casually sauntered from room to room cats would probably leave them alone.
the small neighbor human. stopped by the house after school. i guess they hate a thing called math. and really needed to tell someone. as long as they don’t stop petting me. i am a fabulous listener
me: can I give your dog a pet?
him: sure
me: *places slightly smaller dog next to his*
dog: thanks
*hears recording of my voice*
Me: Haha! Do I really sound like that?
Judge: Please refrain from commenting on the state’s evidence.
“It’s very expensive.” – Chipotle employee
“Look, I got money to spend in here.” – Julia Roberts
Pretty Woman 2: Guacamole Costs Extra
They won’t give me insurance on my phones anymore, but yet they don’t make phones that survive being thrown against walls?
It’s nonsense…
Got fired from Target for testing out the Nerf guns on their logo.
Kids be like “I owe you $5, would you like it all in quarters?”
When I was sixteen, I had to learn how to drive a stick, because we couldn’t afford a car.
My coworker replaced her chair with an exercise ball to “work her core.”
I’m eating a giant chocolate chip cookie for breakfast.
I win.
My husband and I are looking for someone to whistle show tunes while we have sex in our hot tub. Serious inquires only, please.
Obama: “I have no more campaigns to run…because I won both of them”
Biden like 2 years later: LOL OH I GET IT. HES BEEN PRESIDENT FOR TW
Alright pregnant ladies-this is YOUR BIG DAY!!!!!!
#LaborDay
Love restaurants that put ice cubes in their urinals. Makes me think the ice is a bank vault and my pee is a laser.
Hey kid.. don’t let your mom tell you that you need to wait an hour after eating to go swimming. I used to eat Philly cheesesteaks IN the pool. Everything is fine.
Those stupid stress balls don’t work!!!… I just ate one, and it got stuck in my throat… And now, I’m more stressed than before!!!
Me: digging up to the surface for a bit
Worm Wife: why
Me: idk because I can sense that it’s raining?? How does this not interest you
Worm Wife: you’ll shrivel up you know…
Me: You’re crazy, it’s so wet out there 😂
Me: think I’m gonna crawl across the entire driveway 😳
*carrying dog*
Clerk: no pets allowed
Me: *closes eyes* It’s my seeing eye dog.
C: You tried that last week.
M: IT’S MY SEEING EYE DOG!
Let’s bring back the word HOOTENANNY
I used to workout to get laid. Now its to impress whoever will be performing my autopsy.
According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.
*travels back in time just to slap some guy across the cheek with a glove and call him a scoundrel*
wife: look our baby can stand up
baby: what’s the deal with airplane food
[me giving my friend who owes me $12 a tarot reading] oh wow. okay. the tower. in the tarot this is traditionally the symbol for you owing me $12
*makes eye contact with beautiful woman across fancy restaurant*
Waiter, send that woman a glass of your finest Sprite.
Last night I slept for 8 hours straight, and then for 2 hours gay.
A lot of birthdays in November. It’s as if there’s some kind of romantic peak in or around mid-February.
Wife: I’m going to wine down
Me: You mean wind down
Wife: No