Marriage is probably the least romantic thing you can do with another person.
Anyway, congrats on your engagement!
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Im writing a parenting book called kids won’t listen until you scream like your mother did.
are they though??
“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.
After I use the restroom, I thoughtfully put the seat back down and also close the lid and place a heavy object on top to contain any intruding snakes.
Gave money to a homeless man. A stranger lectured me on how he’s just going to spend it on drugs and alcohol..
Yeah, OK. Like I wasn’t.
I just had the best argument in my head and I cannot wait until someone pisses me off.
If happiness is a moving target and I’ve been chasing it all my life, why am I fat?
When children vomit, sometimes it sounds like they’re saying the names of Ikea furniture.
If i was being attacked by a werewolf i would just turn on the vacuum to scare him off
No. YOU-buprofen.
“Can you move it? Then it’s not broken. Go play.”
– Dad Medicine 101
“I’m an animal in the bedroom.”
you like when people scratch your belly?
McKay Coppins:
My wife and I got back from voting and found our 5yo in tears that she didn’t get to come. So I took her to the polling place and gave her a little patriotic talk about America and democracy.
On the way back she told me she thought mom had said we went “boating.”
My brother might be 38, but he just figured out he can control my television with his phone, and he is absolutely using that power to bug the shit out of me.
My daughter actually submitted this feedback at school. Not sure if I should ground her or buy her ice cream…
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
Christmas in 3 weeks and everyone’s gifts still in my thoughts and prayers
Tell your household jumble of working & non working miscellaneous cables I said hi
I’m prepared for anything, as long as it isn’t hard or boring or scary
My 4 year old just said, “if you give me gold fish this will be a lot easier for you”
Don’t you want this to be easier for you?
-Gangster – level 3
*first date*
Her: I love strong guys…
Me: I would fight
Her: …with a playful side…
Me: with Mickey Mouse
Her: …and a naughty side…
Me: in bed
Her: what
Me: what
*opens can of Pringles*
*finds my lost keys*
My doctor had to put me on a new medication that’s supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood
1) See laptop on empty table in crowded coffee shop. 2) Ask someone to watch it for you. 3) Leave before the owner returns.
God: Build an ark
Noah: For?
God: Animals and shit I dunno[earlier]
Devil: Bet you can’t trick someone into building an ark
God: Game on.
[comes home from a day away]
Kids: Guess what we did today?!?
Me: Played monopoly, ate pizza, painted, cut paper, had ice cream.
Kids: How’d you know?!?
Me: *looking at everything out* Lucky guess
Imagine a world without Queen. We’d have no idea who the champions are
I empty the recycling bin on my computer like someone’s actually gonna come along and say “ew gross this bin needs emptied”
Me: So you’re allergic to avocados?
Her: Yup…
Me: Like a vampire?
Her: No that’s garlic.
Me: Oh, like a werewolf?
Her: No, those are silver bullets.
Me: Not avocado bullets?
Her: Don’t…
Me:
Her: Don’t do it…
Me: Fired from a…
Her: *sigh*
Me: Glockamole…
Her: I hate you
[First Date]
Her: Your Tinder profile says you’re a great listener
Me: Really. Ugh. That’s a typo. It should say I’m a “great listener.”