Marriage is saying “they’re both the same” while secretly knowing that one bowl of ice cream is slightly better than the other bowl of ice cream
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I thought I found a baby owl today that needed help. He was an adult pigmy owl who let me pick him up then clawed and bit me. He is free now
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
A few years ago I started texting joke ideas to myself and after a few months I found out I’d typed my own number wrong when I got a text back that “please stop doing this”
Me: Can you get me more sports drink at the store?
Wife: Beer isn’t a sports drink
Me: I drink it while I watch sports.
[Chasing a fox on my bike]
ME: How is he reaching the pedals?!
My pet snake took my kid’s disappearance so hard, he’s gained 110 lbs since last week.
I think my daughter is starting to take a dim view of Santa because she’s asking things like “can the elves leave if they want” and “does he help make toys or does he just sit there”
The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.
It’s actually the voices outside my head that irritate me the most.
At what age should you put the tonsils back in
hello. i am the “friend” everyone has been asking questions for online. it has been a very rough three years but im starting to feel better. thanks for all your advice.
I like to pack a healthy lunch for work so that by 3 p.m. I’m ready to do unspeakable things for a piece of chocolate.
I’m lazy, but not ‘The guy who named blackbirds’ lazy.
It’s nice that lions don’t mind looking like 80’s rock stars.
Mother’s Day is just an another made up holiday so the government can sell you more mothers
I get most of my exercise these days from shaking my head in disbelief.
You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle?
Hahahaa WHY!!??
Stop asking dumb questions on the internet; ask for money.
You should be tunashamed of yourself!
toddler *shows me his new toy*
me: Who gave you that?
toddler: My friend
me: When?
toddler: When he wasn’t looking
[Jesus Feeding of the 4,999)
ME: *gets back in line wearing fake mustache*
the cvs cashier asked me how im doing as i put some diarrhea medicine on the counter. “not great man ive got diarrhea” i told him
My 1-year-old found a jar of Play-Doh.
I figured she couldn’t do any harm if she couldn’t open it.
She threw it at her sister’s head.
If you ever feel dumb, remember sometimes sloths grab their own arms thinking they are tree branches and fall to the ground.
How single am I? I just took a jar of spaghetti sauce to 7-11 to see if the cashier could open it for me.
The trick to successfully backing out of a parking space is to not care what happens to you or anyone else.
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: why, what have you heard?
Me: I cut the grass, edged, cleaned up the leaves and took out the garbage.
Anyone else: Oh wow, great job!
My wife: Did you clean the grass off the mower?
Daylight saving? I’m ready for daylight spending